Parenting through Hard Times: Sharing the Load

Almost a year has passed, and times are still tough here in the Midwest. The foreclosure crisis has caused a strain that is still toppling families. Our dollars buy less than they did a year or two ago.

The good news? We've adjusted. And the changes we've made to our family finances have made our household budget a lot healthier. So, for us, the outlook is better.

But there are still jobs disappearing and families out there who are struggling. So I thought I'd resurrect this one from the files for the readers who need it most. It was originally published in April 2009.

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Yesterday I read the latest economic statistics, and the news wasn't happy. What has me most concerned was the number 8.4%. It's the number of home mortgage payments a month or more late in the state of Illinois. I can't stop the mental calculations.

Foreclosed Homes = Families in Trouble

Our children are smart enough to see the pensive look that sometimes crosses our faces. They know enough to ask questions of us when our heads are close, leaning over the newspaper, discussing friends and family members who have lost their jobs. They notice that we are buying less from the grocery store and the department store. When we schedule family fun, it is not a costly affair.

So far, when they ask, we have downplayed our inner worry; children should not have to bear the brunt of adult responsibilities. But we have shared tidbits here and there about the troubled economy. The question facing many parents right now is: how do you share the full reality of hard times with your kids? And should you?

I can't answer for every parent or every family, but I can share the approach we've come to.

Be Honest: Parents' first instinct is always to protect their children. But, when a bad economy threatens to change life dramatically, the best way to protect them may be to prepare them. In our case, we talk about work and expenses realistically with our children. We allow them to ask questions, and we answer those questions the best that we can. Often, we steer the conversation away from everyone's worst fears. But we make room for our children's fears to be expressed. We reassure, but we don't spin a fairy tale. It's a fine line to walk, being honest without scaring your children, but we do our best to walk it nonetheless.

Educate about Trade-offs: We have a birthday coming up. It won't be an all-out bash like we've had in the past. I will give my oldest some choices about how he would like to celebrate. If he chooses a bigger party with more people, the trade-off is that he will get smaller gifts from us, because the party itself will be more expensive. It is important to us that we explain the reality of our budget and leave the choices up to him. That way, he retains some control and learns to prioritize.

Emphasize Gratitude: When families don't have as much money in the household budget, it can be tempting to give in to self-pity. Sometimes it can be helpful to take time together to enjoy the simple things in our lives -- a long family bike ride, a hike in the woods, splashing in mud puddles, cooking together, planting a garden together, watching a beautiful sunset, visiting with Grandparents, watching the stars. These things are free. So is the fact that our family is together. Changing focus from what you are giving up to the blessings you have can be a gift to your children. And setting aside time each day to talk about what you're grateful for can foster a sense of peace in troubled times -- for parents and children.

Pray Together: Our family moved from Chicago to the Washington, DC metro area when I was about seven. It was 1979 and the housing market was very slow. My parents carried two mortgages for about 18 lean months. It was a hard time for such a large family -- my parents and six of us kids. My parents made the decision to put our worries in God's hands by adding a small prayer to our grace before meals. We just said, "Dear Lord, thank you for our house and please help us to sell our house." After the house finally sold, the prayer changed to "Thank you for our house and thank you for helping us sell our house." I think I included that prayer of gratitude in my private prayers for at least a decade afterward. Now that I'm an adult and shoulder the burdens of our family finances, I understand why my parents chose to pray the way they did. They were sharing the load of their worries with us and with someone infinitely more powerful. They were giving voice to their concerns and also handing over control. When the time was right, a buyer emerged and my parents worked with that family to make our old home their first home. Theirs was a great example to me, and now I draw strength from prayer, putting worry in its place so I can take care of my responsibilities.

Share the Plan: Being honest with your children about how the economy will effect your life is an important step. Possibly more important is sharing the way forward. Parents can tell their children why they will be working more hours or set and talk about family goals to put more savings away or to pay off debts. The goal is always to show your children what action you are taking to make life more secure for them. If your family will be moving, get your children in on the planning. Make it an adventure if you can. Give them a chance to plan a little bit too. It will help the whole family to feel more in control.

Find Strength in your Family History: We know and tell our family stories. My dad has told my boys about his mother's victory garden. This year, my oldest has planted a garden of his own. My mother's family vacations as a child were simple: camping at a local park and swimming in the river every day with kids from the neighborhood. We can easily keep up the tradition at our own 'swimming hole'. My husband's grandfather owned a store with his brother during the depression. They lost it because they extended credit to families who needed food. It was something he never regretted doing, and he went on to live a long, full, joy-filled life. Grandpa Kelly's story has given us perspective, teaching us that situations change, jobs change, and the best we can do is to be as kind as we can. In the end, what matters is how we live, not where our paycheck comes from. So, tell your family's immigrant story, bring your children to visit the home where their grandparents grew up, visit older relatives and ask them to share their memories. It will give you context and perspective.

Set Goals and Stay Positive: Find ways to think positively about the future. Even though times are uncertain, focus on the things that are certain. Make family goals and work to keep them, even if the goals are simple. We will go fishing with Grandpa. We will be brave enough to go off the diving board. We will learn to fix your bike together. We will grow our own vegetables. We will volunteer every week at the food bank. We will help our elderly neighbor with odd jobs. The goals can be big or small, but setting them, working toward them, and meeting them can be a great way to build something for the future. Taking positive action is an important part of maintaining a positive outlook. It helps both parents and kids look at a problem and think, we can lick this.


Our basic view is this: God put us in this family for a reason. We have to find the strength to get through when times are tough -- together. That means being honest, making good choices, forming a plan, setting goals, and staying positive. Our family is the most important bond we have been given; we hope it is a source of love and understanding, even when our patience and endurance are being tested. And our family is only complete with every member.

So, we choose to share the load. We show our children they are valued when we share with them. Even when the news is not good at first. As parents, we can and should assure them that we will face life's challenges together. When we do, I truly believe there is nothing we can't accomplish.

- Midwest Mom

Tag! You're It! Kids Games to Keep you Fit and More

One of my favorite ways to stay active is to play games with my children. I have three between the ages of 3 and 7, and they are running around constantly. The more they run, the more they seem to want company -- "Mommy, Daddy, come play with me!"

It's music to my ears, really.

For today's Fit Mommy Friday tip, I give you another no-brainer. Try to channel your inner kindergartner and play outdoor games with your children. Here are a few to try.

Tag and Freeze Tag: One of the best ways to get running with your kids is to chase them or be chased. In the game of tag, one player is "it". He chases the other players trying to touch them. As soon as he catches one, the caught person becomes "it." In freeze tag, the tagger touches people to freeze them. Tagged players must stand perfectly still. They can only be unfrozen by another player crawling through their legs or running in a circle around them. The goal is to "freeze" all the players but one. Whoever is the last person left unfrozen becomes "it."

Blast Off: This is a great game to play with a playground ball and lots of room to run. The person with the ball gets ready to throw it while the other players stand in a circle around her. Everybody counts: 5-4-3-2-1, Blast off! She throws the ball as high as she can straight up into the air and calls out a name of one of the players. Everyone but the person whose name was called runs as far away as they can get. The child whose name was called tries to catch the ball. If they do: they automatically win. If not, they get it and call out, "1-2-3 STOP!" Everybody freezes. The person with the ball then has five giant steps toward the closest person. If they can throw the ball and hit that person, they get to be in the middle and the ball gets thrown up in the air again. If they can't, they are out. The last person remaining wins.

Monkey Races: We play this game at the playground. Essentially, it is an obstacle course race on the playground equipment. We call it monkey races because it always starts with a side-by-side race on the monkey bars. What a workout for Mommy! (I don't mind telling you that I usually lose to my 7 year old.) Set up the course, ready, set, go! There's nothing like winning to make any game irresistible.

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And now, for a different sort of Tag -- one that doesn't work up quite as much of a sweat!

My bloggy friend Melissa at Green Girl in Wisconsin tagged me the other day to participate in a meme called "Love Me, Love Me Not". I have to list 5 things I love about myself and 5 things that aren't so lovable about me. (Trust me, my husband had a ball "helping" me figure out what to write! Who knew he loved it when I let my hair dry naturally? Who also knew that he notices how grumpy I am before my a.m. coffee infusion?) Then, I have to "tag" 5 bloggers to play the game next.

Because I like to end on a positive note, I'll start with the 5 things I don't love about myself.

1. I am a worrier. I worry about my children and my parents, about their health and their futures. I worry about the country because I want us to finally have our priorities right. (Lately, I worry about that a lot less.) I worry that I'm not doing enough for everyone else. I worry that I will fail. Worrying is something I try to turn into positive action, to use it rather than succumbing to it. But in my heart, I know I will never be entirely free of it.

2. On a lighter note, I am far too ticklish -- physically ticklish. It is a terrible weakness because it means that my children (or my husband) can completely immobilize me at a moments notice. It has all but dashed my dreams of ever becoming a ninja. Ninjas can't be ticklish. But I totally am -- virtually everywhere.

3. I am risk averse. There is always this voice in my head that is telling me all the ways something could hurt before I do it. I often wish I could just turn that voice off instead of always having to overcome it or act in spite of it. My risk-averse nature comes out in my parenting; I know my children will tease me later in life for the number of times the words "be careful" came out of my mouth.

4. In the mornings especially, I am hopelessly grouchy. And when I say grouchy, I mean terse and crabby. My three-year old daughter calls my hairspray "grouch spray". (That disarms me right away, for sure!) Fortunately, my grouchiness is easily overcome by the caring look on her face when she asks if I'm feeling grumpy today -- and coffee... plenty of coffee.

5. I cannot eat anything I want. Trust me. I so totally wish I could, but I have always had to watch my weight and curb my appetites. Life has had a way of throwing that little foible in my face by making me fall in love with the one man who could eat pancakes and bacon for every breakfast, fries at every lunch, and cheesecake for dessert every day and never gain an ounce. He is metabolic perfection. I, sadly, am not.

Okay. Now, for the fun part! What I truly love about myself.

1. My teeth. I have always had straight teeth -- I get them from my mother. I've never had to wear braces, and was cavity-free until I was about 17 years old. Even then, I only had a pit in one tooth. My older sister had to go through a variety of face-altering devices so that she could look more like a human and less like a shark. Growing up, I tried not to gloat over my perfectly straight teeth. But as she moaned in the night from the pain of the medieval torture devices she was forced to wear by sadists we call "orthodontists", I secretly thanked the Lord Above for giving me a mouthful of dental perfection.

2. I have an abiding, honest-to-goodness L. O. V. E. of sports. I love to play them. I love to watch them. I love to talk about them. A side-benefit of loving sports is that my husband's friends have openly labeled me as being pretty darn close to the Ideal Mate. When we were dating, we went to a party for the Michigan-Ohio State game. After a great play, I noted that the guys on SportsCenter had been talking about the player involved. Hubby's friends looked at each other as though their world had been fundamentally altered. "You watch SportsCenter?!??!" they exclaimed with incredulity. Then, to Hubby, "She's a keeper." If my love of sports put me in the "keeper" category and makes me happy, anyway, it should definitely be on this list.

3. I love my sense of humor and my willingness to poke fun at myself at least as often as I poke fun at other people. Laughing is good therapy -- so is laughing at yourself. I would not change my sense of humor. It's one of the essential parts of me.

4. I love that I have a green thumb. There is something profound and powerful about being able to help the earth bear fruit. It is a gift I am grateful for because it nourishes me as much as I nourish it.

5. Finally, I love having an open heart. There are few people on this planet that I have no use for or that I believe are beyond hope. It is a wonderful feeling not to judge my fellow human beings, but to simply appreciate them and care for them. I have often said to friends and family members who have been hurt that, for me, one of the surest ways to know God is through the act of loving again. I have always tried to let love guide my decision-making. It hasn't steered me wrong yet.

And now, (drumroll please) for the five fantastic bloggers I hope will carry forward this fun game of Tag...

1. Laurie Rodak at The Playground Observer
2. Susana at Firefly Shop - My Thoughts
3. Suzen at Erasing the Bored
4. Julie at Octamom
and
5. Abby at My Sweet Babboo


Have a great weekend, everyone!

- Midwest Mom

Obama Speaks to My Family

I watched the President's address to Congress last night with interest.

I am the mom of a Midwestern family filled with hard-working people. In our extended family are researchers, engineers, social workers, nurses, fire fighters, small business owners, moms, dads, students and teachers. We have a seriously ill relative who is underinsured. We have another relative who has retired on a state pension, drawn from a pension fund that is in serious trouble. Most of us have mortgages. Many of us are worried about our job security.

What part of last night's speech wouldn't apply to us?

I have written here before about my worry over the state of the economy, and specifically about responding to the economic crisis. I have been frustrated with the misuse of bank bailout funds and the national obsession with quick fixes. So, there was a lot to hold my attention last night.

I hoped to hear about banking and the auto industry in President Obama's speech. I am passionately committed to parental involvement in education, so my ears were open on that issue. I believe in taking personal responsibility for shaping one's future. I believe that hard work can do more for our country than legalistic maneuvering. ... I guess there was a lot I was listening for. I was not disappointed.

After hearing President Obama's speech last night, I will say -- he addressed a number of my concerns. And it was refreshing to be spoken to as citizens by someone who addresses his audience as adults. (And who uses vocabulary above the fourth grade level. I mean, he correctly used the word catalyzed in a sentence.)

Several parts of the President's speech were memorable and important. For example,

On education:

In a global economy, where the most valuable skill you can sell is your knowledge, a good education is no longer just a pathway to opportunity. It is a prerequisite. ...

That is why this budget creates new teachers -- new incentives for teacher performance, pathways for advancement, and rewards for success. We'll invest -- we'll invest in innovative programs that are already helping schools meet high standards and close achievement gaps. And we will expand our commitment to
charter schools. ...

Dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It's not just quitting on yourself; it's quitting on your country. And this country needs and values the talents of every American. ...

In the end, there is no program or policy that can substitute for a parent, for a mother or father who will attend those parent-teacher conferences, or help with homework, or turn off the TV, put away the video games, read to their child. I speak to you not just as a president, but as a father when I say that responsibility for our children's education must begin at home. That is not a Democratic issue or a Republican issue. That's an American issue.

On the auto industry:

Speaking of our auto industry, everyone recognizes that years of bad decision-making and a global recession have pushed our automakers to the brink. We should not and will not protect them from their own bad practices.

But we are committed to the goal of a re-tooled, re-imagined auto industry that can compete and win. Millions of jobs depend on it; scores of communities depend on it; and I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it.

On banking:

I intend to hold these banks fully accountable for the assistance they receive, and this time they will have to clearly demonstrate how taxpayer dollars result in more lending for the American taxpayer. ...

And to ensure that a crisis of this magnitude never happens again, I ask Congress to move quickly on legislation that will finally reform our outdated regulatory system. ...

It is time to put in place tough, new commonsense rules of the road so that our financial market rewards drive and innovation and punishes shortcuts and abuse. ...

I will not spend a single penny for the purpose of rewarding a single Wall Street executive, but I will do whatever it takes to help the small business that can't pay its workers or the family that has saved and still can't get a mortgage.

President Obama stated that the issue of healthcare reform would not wait -- that he would be assembling a panel of legislators, doctors, businesses and workers to discuss their healthcare reform needs and ideas. It is welcome news; I am happy there will be no delay on such an important issue.

As the President finished speaking, I had a renewed sense of confidence in his leadership. It is my hope that the Congress will follow through on his exhortation to get down to business and to do the hard work necessary to move the country forward.

The rest of us are working hard. Now, so should they.

- Midwest Mom

It's Time To Reach Out

People in the news talk about unemployment numbers as though they were just numbers. They're not. They're people without jobs.

My husband works for an automotive supplier, and last week he came home every day talking about who was heading home for the last time.

I didn't let on, but I dreaded the conversation we would have every evening. Early in the week, he told me a few people were "let go" with a sense of half-relief. "They usually make all the cuts in one day," he said. But the next day there were more cuts and more and more. By the end of the week, we found ourselves talking about financial strategy.

It was and is nerve-wracking.

Today, the President came out and said that the economy may worsen before it gets better. That may be true, but I can feel my hair going grey and those pesky worry lines on my forehead getting deeper. When I opened this morning's news paper, I saw that John Deere announced they're cutting jobs in Iowa. Caterpillar is cutting jobs in Illinois. I won't even talk about Michigan. The evening news held announcements of job cuts at Home Depot, Nextel, Spring, Pfizer. Every state is being hit -- hard.

During the past year, we have trimmed our household budget down to bare bones, or so I thought before last week. Now, when I think about how we could survive job loss, if that were to happen, I know that we could have to cut much more. All over this country, men and women are having to make choices about whether to buy food or keep warm, whether to get a doctor's care or fix the car, whether to pay their house payment or their credit card bill. There is no doubt about it; we are in a rough place as a country.

The question is, what do we do about it?

During times like these, when I feel my sense of worry deepen, just about the only way I can find comfort is by reaching out. Last week, we went through all our clothing to donate warm snowsuits, jackets, sweaters, and boots to our local family clothing ministry. My boys are participating in a food drive through school to help keep our local food pantry stocked. We have set aside furniture to donate to the YWCA shelter for abused women. I know it's not much, but it is something.

When I think about how bad the economy is and how bad it may become, I think about how our grandparents' generation made it through the depression. I think about how my own parents made it through tough economic times, even with 6 children.

They made it through by counting on each other.

People make the difference in difficult times. Neighbors help to fix a car. Sisters help to share food or babysit. Friends offer a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Strangers donate food or clothing or transportation to the doctor.

And so I tell myself, no matter how worried I am about the future, I have a loving family. I have caring neighbors. I have friends at church and school. I have faith.

I take a deep breath and despite my worry I tell myself, We will be okay.

And then I look around to see who I can help. Please, I truly hope you do, too. In our lifetime, there has never been a more important time to pitch in.

Maybe if we all do, these troubled times might become a little bit easier.

- Midwest Mom

Worried about the Economy? So Am I.

I have a confession to make. As much faith as I have, as much as I am dedicated to having more smile lines than worry lines, as smart as I try to be about money, I am worried about the economy.

You see, I am the caretaker of our household budget, so 90% of our family's spending decisions go through me. Whether I am or not, I feel responsible for our solvency.

Since January, our family has taken steps to cut out unnecessary expenses. We have quit the YMCA and did not take a vacation this summer. We have changed the way we use our telephone service to reduce costs. I have drastically cut down the amount I use my car. We have made a greater effort to save on groceries, clipping coupons and price-matching.

Still, the economy is a mess that is getting messier by the minute.

One thing our family has been working to do that I haven't shared until now is what I hope our country will start to do in earnest -- pay down our debt.

The house we live in is our first home. We purposely moved from a rental in Southeast Michigan, where home prices were sky-high, to central Illinois. Here we were closer to family and home prices were far more reasonable.

When we were shopping for a home, we wanted something "with potential" -- meaning, of course, something with a low price tag that we could add some "sweat equity" to by fixing it up as we went along. What we ended up with was a 1920 brick 2-story that our family has grown into nicely.

Yes, we are still working on it. But it is enough, and it is home.

Because we made sound financial choices, like basing our mortgage on just one income and opting to pay for repairs as we go, rather than front-loading our mortgage so we could hire a contractor, we now owe less than my husband makes in one year. So, if the worst were to happen -- job loss, inflation, or a total freeze in credit -- I hope we will be okay.

Still, I find that I am worried a good bit of the time about what our financial future will hold. I mean, we have two sets of living parents and three children. Life is anything but predictable.

We do not live extravagantly. We do not have a boat or a pool or lots of "toys". We are doing our best to make smart choices, and yet I worry that it may not be enough. I mean, I'm not to the point where I can't eat or sleep -- not yet, anyway.

I wonder, am I alone in this?

-Midwest Mom