Reshaping Negativity: Teaching Kids to Think Positive

"Today was awful."  "I got teased on the bus."  "That teacher hates me." "Those girls are mean."

Every mom hears this litany from time to time.  For me, it happens when the kids walk in the door from school or during my first few minutes in the door.  I have three of them (amazing, hilarious, talented... and talkative!), and my husband and I work hard to make our home a place where they can feel safe and listened to -- especially when the world outside feels unfriendly. 

 

But hearing everything bad that happened in a day, from a broken shoelace to a broken friendship, all at once, right as you walk in the door can feel overwhelming... leading AnyMom or AnyDad to ask themselves silently, "They were so cute as babies... So quiet.  Why, exactly, did we teach them to speak?"  (Oh, stop your judging... you don't say it out loud, but you know it's true.)

Seriously, though, the question then becomes: how to turn the barrage of negative talk in a positive direction? Do I have to be the kung fu master of child development?  Do I arm myself with a teflon super shield that sheds negative energy? Do I take it all in?  Do I ignore?  (Do I lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes of peace?)

The answer -- for me, at least -- is... a little bit of each.  Yes.  Including the bathroom.  (I call it my 'home office', as in "I have an important meeting.  If you need me, I'll be at my home office.") 

Here are a few strategies that may work: (Throw them at the wall and see what sticks.)

Divide and Conquer: Learn a lesson from the old West: one animal is easier to handle than an entire herd.  Give each child a little one-on-one time that they can count on, maybe associated with a ritual activity like doing homework, driving to an activity, setting the table or getting ready for bed.  Use that as the time to share the day's stresses.  Instead of feeling overwhelmed, each parent can really listen.  Reliable alone time can help your child feel valued and give you both the space you need to talk about issues that matter.

Start Happy: Set a family goal to start with something new or amazing or cool when we talk about what our day was like.  I redirect the wave of troubled talk often with these phrases, "Tell me something happy from your day." and "What did you learn today?"  Do it often enough, and the kids know that they'll get as much (or more) attention by sharing something positive.  (The habit of thinking positive first is a great one for moms and dads, too.)

Step Back, Be Brave: Sometimes, the result of having an open, listening household is that there can be challenges to our own way of doing things. (The complaint isn't always about the kids on the bus.)  Being open enough to hear without dismissing, deflecting or defending takes parental bravery.  (I'll admit, this is something I have to work on.  It's tough, especially now that my oldest is a 'tween'.)  And one way to handle difficult conversations or feedback constructively can be to reframe a contentious issue in general enough terms to make it less personal.  Asking open ended questions is a great means to do that. A useful book that teaches this skill (the hubs and I read it often) is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman.  I'd highly recommend it to any mom or dad.

Be Thankful: Every so often, we take time at a shared meal or in the car or at prayer time to say something we're thankful for.  Often, it can be an affirming time in our family. I hear my kids say how thankful they are for a small kindness one did for another, and we can openly express how glad we are for our time together.  Every time we talk about being grateful, we are focusing on a small happiness in our life.  And that focus helps us weather the not-so-good moments a little more resiliently.

 

In the end, a little positivity helps our whole family -- especially when life happens, unexpectedly. 

What works for yours?

- Midwest Mom

Who says I'm done growing?

My kids are always asking to measure themselves on our measuring wall.  Even if I just made a new pencil mark last week... they want to see if they're growing as fast as they think they are.  Often times they react with disbelief if they haven't shot up an inch in the past seven days.  But then they look at me (with pity) and say, "That's right.  You don't grow either."

Well, what they don't know won't hurt them, I guess...

In the past year I've grown more than my kids could ever imagined. I've transitioned from a stay at home mom to a part-time working mom to a full-time working mom, and what a transition!  My years as a full-time at home parent were so valuable -- but they couldn't have prepared me for the confidence I feel, the sense of growth in this new part of  my life. 

But with growth sometimes come growing pains.

At first, when I started working full time, I had a lot of guilt about not being 'there' for my kids.  And by not being there, I mean having a babysitter for my kids during the two hours of the day they weren't in school.  Trust me -- those two hours had me missing my crew like crazy.  The toughest part, though, was not being sure whether I could trust the care they were receiving, because let me tell you, the 'day care' experience was rough.  My kids encountered all the things I didn't want for them.

That's why I'd stayed at home for so long.  No one could care for my kids, could understand them like I could.  At the worst times, the (horrible) babysitter would refer to my children as "my kids".  I would correct her; No.  They're MY kids.

It was tough.  I had a friend who asked me over a casual lunch one day how I could live with myself, abandoning my kids.  Mom-judgment.  From someone I trusted.

Then there was the re-adjustment to professional life.  The learning that only comes from experience; learning that business is business and openness and friendship aren't always returned.  I'll admit, the ups and downs of the office involved a learning curve that was wholly unique.

But there have been bright spots.  I have become friends with people I never would have known otherwise.  I have learned to stretch myself, challenge myself, to be willing to take on more than I can handle comfortably, to try new things and build new skills.  I am working with people I respect, and who show me respect in return.

As I've helped my kids (and defended them) through the struggles of this year of transition, I have seen them become tougher, more resilient, more self-reliant and more cohesive as brothers and sisters.  Family has come to mean something -- a uniquely safe place that the pressures 'out there' can't touch.

My daughter has come to understand that her mom is strong.  Not just loving or understanding or fun.  And that even when I'm exhausted or stressed, I'm never too overwhelmed to love her more than anything else in my life.  I have seen her develop a strength of her own, and it amazes me.

Personally, I have found that my return to the workforce has given me something that motherhood alone was hard-pressed to provide.  Confidence. An intellectual challenge. An identity of my own. 

Maybe it's just a new life stage.  But it's one I like and love. 

So the next time one of my kiddos decides to sidle up to the measuring wall, maybe I'll consider taking a turn.  Who knows what I might find?


- Midwest Mom

The Balancing Act

Problems arise in that one has to find a balance between what people need from you and what you need for yourself.

~ Jessye Norman

As a mother, I have always felt pulled and tugged at by the myth of what our lives should be, what my own life should be, and what exists in reality. I was a professional before I became a mother, and I decided early-on that I would not try to balance the life of a working professional woman and the responsibilities of motherhood.

I have never believed a woman could truly "have it all".

I believe that life is all about compromise and negotiation. I believed and still believe that having one foot in the professional world and one foot in the home would make me only half as good at either.

So, I made the choice to stay home.

But something in me is changing, waking up perhaps. Maybe it's because my youngest will be going to school soon. Maybe the act of writing our experience daily, weekly, monthly for the last ten months is the reason. Who knows? But I'm starting to think about old dreams long pushed to the back of the bottom drawer of my consciousness.

I'm starting to reconsider law school. I'm starting to re-hash my PhD research. My quieter moments are filling themselves up with a tiny voice calling to me.

Be more.

It's time to be more.

If I'm honest with myself in those moments of wondering, I will come to the same conclusion I always have -- law school is too expensive. My PhD required for me to live and work in Russia, where I wasn't at all happy. I was surrounded by women who had made the conscious choice to let strangers raise their children so that they could pursue their professional dreams.

And yet, if I'm so busy being honest, I have to admit that I miss those dreams. I wonder what would have happened if I had fulfilled them.

There is a part of me (would I admit this to my children?) that still puts the words "just a" in front of the word Mom.

It's hard to admit, but there it is.

Even though I believe that my children are a gift and no other person in the world could do what I am doing to raise them, my mind aches for more challenging work and my spirit aches for acknowledgment.

But I don't like to wallow, and introspection only gets a person so far. Action requires risk, but if I don't take a chance now, I'll never know what the future may hold for me.

I feel like I'm at the jumping-off place and I need to re-start the portion of my life that was unquestioningly put on hold. I'm just not sure how to start.

But I do need to start.

- Midwest Mom