Reshaping Negativity: Teaching Kids to Think Positive

"Today was awful."  "I got teased on the bus."  "That teacher hates me." "Those girls are mean."

Every mom hears this litany from time to time.  For me, it happens when the kids walk in the door from school or during my first few minutes in the door.  I have three of them (amazing, hilarious, talented... and talkative!), and my husband and I work hard to make our home a place where they can feel safe and listened to -- especially when the world outside feels unfriendly. 

 

But hearing everything bad that happened in a day, from a broken shoelace to a broken friendship, all at once, right as you walk in the door can feel overwhelming... leading AnyMom or AnyDad to ask themselves silently, "They were so cute as babies... So quiet.  Why, exactly, did we teach them to speak?"  (Oh, stop your judging... you don't say it out loud, but you know it's true.)

Seriously, though, the question then becomes: how to turn the barrage of negative talk in a positive direction? Do I have to be the kung fu master of child development?  Do I arm myself with a teflon super shield that sheds negative energy? Do I take it all in?  Do I ignore?  (Do I lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes of peace?)

The answer -- for me, at least -- is... a little bit of each.  Yes.  Including the bathroom.  (I call it my 'home office', as in "I have an important meeting.  If you need me, I'll be at my home office.") 

Here are a few strategies that may work: (Throw them at the wall and see what sticks.)

Divide and Conquer: Learn a lesson from the old West: one animal is easier to handle than an entire herd.  Give each child a little one-on-one time that they can count on, maybe associated with a ritual activity like doing homework, driving to an activity, setting the table or getting ready for bed.  Use that as the time to share the day's stresses.  Instead of feeling overwhelmed, each parent can really listen.  Reliable alone time can help your child feel valued and give you both the space you need to talk about issues that matter.

Start Happy: Set a family goal to start with something new or amazing or cool when we talk about what our day was like.  I redirect the wave of troubled talk often with these phrases, "Tell me something happy from your day." and "What did you learn today?"  Do it often enough, and the kids know that they'll get as much (or more) attention by sharing something positive.  (The habit of thinking positive first is a great one for moms and dads, too.)

Step Back, Be Brave: Sometimes, the result of having an open, listening household is that there can be challenges to our own way of doing things. (The complaint isn't always about the kids on the bus.)  Being open enough to hear without dismissing, deflecting or defending takes parental bravery.  (I'll admit, this is something I have to work on.  It's tough, especially now that my oldest is a 'tween'.)  And one way to handle difficult conversations or feedback constructively can be to reframe a contentious issue in general enough terms to make it less personal.  Asking open ended questions is a great means to do that. A useful book that teaches this skill (the hubs and I read it often) is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman.  I'd highly recommend it to any mom or dad.

Be Thankful: Every so often, we take time at a shared meal or in the car or at prayer time to say something we're thankful for.  Often, it can be an affirming time in our family. I hear my kids say how thankful they are for a small kindness one did for another, and we can openly express how glad we are for our time together.  Every time we talk about being grateful, we are focusing on a small happiness in our life.  And that focus helps us weather the not-so-good moments a little more resiliently.

 

In the end, a little positivity helps our whole family -- especially when life happens, unexpectedly. 

What works for yours?

- Midwest Mom

President Barack Obama's Victory Speech

Our country has a new President, and I couldn't be happier. Watching President-Elect Barack Obama and his family last night made me so proud of my country. I was even more proud to know that more voters than ever turned out to make our voices heard.

In his speech, President Obama emphasized that he will be president for all Americans. I hope we can all come together and begin to do the work of our country as strong citizens united.

I just came home from dropping my children off at school, and there was a sense of excitement there and a buzz about our new President that was great to see. And it brings tears to my eyes to know that there is a whole group of mothers and grandmothers, who themselves never fully knew this day would come, and who now can tell their children and their grandchildren that it is possible to achieve the highest office in the land.

I am so very proud of our country today.

Here's the video of last night's speech (in case you fell asleep before all the results came in or were tending a sick child or doing all the other things moms do...)



Thank you all for being a part of this important election.

- Midwest Mom

Talent Search: Developing your Child's Gifts

My five-year-old son is an artist -- an avid artist. He spends part of each day transferring the pictures in his mind onto paper. When I talk to him about his work, he is clear about what he wants to create and how; he has a remarkable ability to know exactly how to create the finished product he wants.

My seven-year-old is a writer. His stories have remarkable action and a clear voice. He often complains when writing for school that he can't possibly just fill one sheet of paper. Couldn't he write chapters instead of just a paragraph?

I do my best to encourage them both, even if they don't do the best job at encouraging each other. Earlier this week, my oldest forbade his brother from drawing because he wanted to play outside with him instead. "Can he do that?" my younger son protested. I assured him that his brother was not in charge. He relaxed, "Good, because I really love art. I am thinking that it is my special talent."

Brotherly conflict aside, I think it is important to help children develop their interests. It can be a great way to develop the bond of parent-friendship with your child. Here are a few ways to go about it:

1. Keep it Fun - Often, young children learn best when they are in charge. Don't be in a rush to bill your child as the next Mozart or Monet. Enjoy the fact that they are enjoying what they do. That enthusiasm is its own reward.
2. Make Space - If you can, devote some space in your home to your child's passion. An art table stocked with supplies, a music corner or reading chair can be comfortable places for your child to pursue what they like when they choose. Outdoors a soccer goal or basketball hoop invites your child to develop his or her skills on his own. I have seen my sons outdoors inventing their own football plays or winning the imaginary World Series. All they require is a little equipment and the space to pursue what they love.
3. Learn Together - As my children have developed independent interests, it has been so fun to learn together with them. We visit the library for books on art technique or to search for exciting, inspiring writing. We attend sports practices and games as a family, learning along the way. My husband, especially, makes the effort to learn enough about our children's' interests to teach them, but he also listens as they explain new things they've learned. The exchange is exciting to watch, and it helps us build our family friendship on shared experiences.
4. Give Appropriate Praise - Without going overboard (no sky-writing, please), praise can be an excellent motivator. When my children are frustrated with a new skill, a little praise can go a long way. I never push them, and I try not to turn their successes into my own. But I do give them a quiet look of encouragement, a hand on the shoulder, a word when they need it. At home, we have a kitchen art gallery filled with drawings from all the children. We have video of them and photo collages from their sports teams. These small things say, "I am proud of you."
5. Find Opportunities for Growth - When a child has an inner drive to pursue a gift, parents should find ways to help them develop. My artist loves trips to the museum. My soccer player loves going to college soccer games. My ballerina loves seeing a real performance with grown-up dancers. Camps, magazine subscriptions, clubs, and school organizations can help your talented kids grow. Exposing your children to new and varied experiences can also be a great way to help them develop new interests.

As always, parents should try to be tuned-in and show good judgment when thinking about their children's' gifts. Not every youth basketball player is going to make it to the NBA. Not every young ballet student will dance professionally. But each experience we give our kids, every opportunity we give them to pursue what they love, will help them grow as strong, gifted individuals.

Besides, I am still waiting to find out my 'special talent'. Maybe one of these days, one of my children will help me to discover it.

- Midwest Mom

Can't we all just get along? What to do when Children Fight

When my second son was born, one of the things I knew I wanted to "head off at the pass" was the issue of sibling rivalry. I have a sister only 18 months older than I am, and our relationship as children wasn't characterized by understanding or trust. We argued and competed for attention most of the time. Now that we are adults, we get along much better, but it has taken time to travel that path. Even if that amount of conflict is "normal", I wanted my boys to be able to avoid it as much as possible.

I remember asking my pediatrician about it at my second son's two week checkup. He raised his eyebrows. "It's a little early for that, isn't it?" he joked. I explained that I wanted to raise my boys to be brothers and friends. He saw my point of view and recommended that I read Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I bought it and read it, cover to cover. In fact, I have kept it and continue to refer to it as the children get older. It is a great book that every parent with more than one child should absolutely read.

Siblings without Rivalry is a collection of stories from parents who have specifically sought help because their children are fighting. Some of the stories involve persistent picking and bickering. Others are about belittling language or physical confrontation. The parents whose stories are contained in the book agreed to try a novel approach to the issue of their kids' constant state of confrontation.

Whenever possible, let the kids solve their disputes themselves.

When I first read it, it sounded crazy. I mean, really crazy. But, believe it or not, it has worked pretty well for our family. The key is to know and understand your children's cues so that you can step in only when necessary. But, you have to build and be willing to rely on your children's problem solving skills as well. The goal is to lead them to build a healthy relationship with one another without setting yourself up a the supreme arbiter of right and wrong. I'll explain:

Yesterday Primo was setting up some complicated paths of Dominoes to knock down and my youngest repeatedly knocked them down before he was ready. He would overreact, and she would be delighted at the attention. His freakout was her payoff. She smiled and clapped every time he would get angry. After it happened about three times, I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was about to snap. I pulled him aside.

"You know, when you were little, Daddy and I had such a hard time playing cards. Did you know that?" He shook his head, glaring at me like he could care less (and why aren't you punishing her for annoying me?)

I continued, "You used to always try to steal the cards."

He was intrigued, for the moment. "I did?"

"You did."

"What did you do about it?" [gotcha, I thought.]

"Well, we tried and tried just to tell you not to, but you paid no attention. So, we gave you some cards of your own to play next to us on the same table. I guess you just wanted to play what we were playing."

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Does that mean I have to give her all my Dominoes?!?" (Oh, the injustice of it all!)

"Nope. About 5 should do it."

"Fine." Scowl, stomp, stomp, stomp.

He continued to be extremely annoyed at the injustice of the situation -- why did he have to give away some of his own toys when his sister was the one who was being annoying?!? But over the course of the next 15 minutes, I saw him slowly realize that she was, in fact, leaving him alone. She set up her own Dominoes and systematically knocked them down. "Good job!" I heard him say to her finally.

Pretending not to pay attention, I returned to folding my laundry with a smile on my face. Mission accomplished.

Of course, it doesn't always work that way, especially with the two oldest. Sometimes I have to listen to both sides of a complicated tale of woe. In the end, I put them together and say, "Okay. I'm going to give you two ten minutes to find a solution that's fair for both of you." At this point, they know they are going to have to compromise to get what they want. (It's a lesson many adults haven't mastered yet, believe me!) I give them space to find an answer that works. At the end of the ten minutes, I explain, I will step in and make the choice. They know that there is no guarantee they will like my decision, but that they will be stuck with it. 95% of the time, they will come to an agreement they both can live with -- and it rarely takes the full ten minutes.

If you have children who are fighting, setting ground rules (such as no yelling, no name-calling, or no hitting) is important to do before letting them solve things themselves. Once those rules are in place, trusting your children to solve some of their disagreements may be a great way to change from being Mom the referee into Mom the helper and teacher.

I can't say that I follow every suggestion I read in the book. But, I will say that it has informed my parenting and re-reading it helps to keep me on track when I fall into the "referee-Mom" trap.

When I look at my children and how they interact, I see friends who occasionally disagree, not rivals who are sometimes friendly. I can live with that; it seems healthy and good. And I know that this way of solving problems gives my children tools for those times when I'm not around to say what is right or wrong.

Isn't that part of what good parenting is all about?

-Midwest Mom

Potty Chronicles: Will she? or Won't she?

I wrote a bit last month about my daughter's Adventures in Potty Training.

Well, the adventure continues...

We had made a sticker chart for my daughter after my last blog on this topic. We put the word "BIG" on a large sheet of paper. We covered a portion of the letter B with a star sticker every time she went. It was such a success! She looked at the chart approvingly, and at the star sticker I also gave her on her hand. Her brothers saw how she was doing on her stickers. It was great. She was on the road to potty training.

Until...

Have I mentioned that the boys have gone back to school? Since they started back, my daughter has completely rejected the toilet. I understand, to a point, that she misses her brothers. And because they are gone, she has less frequent reminders to go. I have backed off on my expectations to give her time to adjust.

However, it has been three weeks and I am nearing the limit on my patience.

Starting yesterday, I began to wage the battle of words, mustering the full force of my persuasive power to get this two-almost-three-year-old to restart her training. I have reminded her of the pretty panties she will get to wear once she's trained. I have explained that diaper rash (hers has been painful at times) does not happen when one uses the toilet. I have talked about "putting away" her business the same way she puts away her toys.

So far, no luck.

Today, we spent time at the boys school while I volunteered. I convinced her to try a "visit" to the girls' room. We went in and she happily explored it. I even got her to sit on the potty for a while. Some "big girls" came in, and she got a kick out of the fact that they were there and everyone washed their hands together.

I thought it was a step. It turns out it wasn't.

I am trying to keep my frustration in the background, but I honestly will be just so happy once we are past this step. I would rather have "the talk" or teach her how to drive or figure out how to pay for college than THIS DUMB STUPID AWFUL PROCESS!

-whew!-

That felt good.

I am hoping that her reluctance will pass and she will eventually train. I don't think I can handle teaching her how to drive if she's in diapers. Of course, the plus will be that I can put off that "talk" -- boys just don't dig a girl who smells like Desitin.

Midwest Mom

On the Road to Raising Resilient Children

Isn't it funny the way toddlers sometimes insist on doing things themselves. My daughter is two now, but from the first moment she could speak, it seemed like "I do it MYSELF!" was a staple of her vocabulary.

I try to view her independence as a good thing. Since I'm parenting three children, it is wonderful that she wants to put on her own shoes, feed herself, or dress herself. I think it is an important part of raising a child to give them the room to try things themselves -- even if it seems like they've chosen a task far beyond their abilities. Quite often, like this morning when my daughter buckled her own sandals, I've been surprised at the results!

But in the process of trying a new task herself, my daughter will sometimes get really frustrated. She will drive at a solution that eludes her. Finally, she will let out a gutteral scream I know comes from the pit of her soul.

When she's at the end of her rope, though, I give her time to feel her own frustration. I like to watch what comes after that point, because it is almost always a leap in development for her. Either she will regroup and try a new method or she will power through her frustration and get the thing right -- like when she finally learned how to ride her tricycle and hollered until she got the rhythm of one pedal then the other.

We have photos of my oldest son trying like crazy to crawl forward. All he could manage was to scoot himself backward. In the photos, his face got redder and redder until finally, he reached for the toy in front of him that was just out of reach -- and got it! What a smile of victory he had on his face! That smile would not have been possible if we had not been willing to step back and let him find his own way.

There are many times when my children are frustrated and they will stop in a quiet moment, look over and ask for help. I try to be present and accessible when they are trying to figure out something new. Sometimes, I will get them started or give them a hint or remind them of the steps they will need to take to accomplish their goal. My middle son needs encouragement if he can't get his seatbelt on right away. "I can't do it!" he will cry in despair. "You can do it. And we will wait as long as it takes for you to do it," I reply. Removing the time pressure usually does the trick for him. He gets it buckled. At the point that my children reach out for help, I think it is important to be there -- not to swoop in and do it for them, but to teach them to solve the problem themselves.

I know many parents never think NOT to help their child. Moms are compulsive, professional helpers, aren't we? But I have made the decision to start early, encouraging my children to make their own choices and to feel the consequences of those choices. I have started with the little tasks my children ask to do on their own.

Why?

When mothers do everything for their children, they are silently saying "I think you are helpless. You cannot do this for yourself." Even if they never say the words, parents who do every little thing for their child are creating a child who will be dependent on them. It can be terribly comforting for a parent to be needed so much. But, isn't the goal of parenting to lovingly raise children who can think and do and decide what is best for themselves?

If a parent never gives their child the chance to be frustrated and possibly fail, they are depriving that child of valuable experience in problem-solving and decision-making. I remember having to make the first hard decisions of my adulthood and feeling paralyzed. I talked to my father about it. "Well, princess," he said supportively, "you need to sit down and figure things out for yourself. I will help you if you need me, but these are your decisions to make."

I know now that those are the best words he could have said to me. Did I have to flounder? Yes. Did I have to wonder if I was making the right choices? Yes. Was there a chance I could fail at what I tried? Absolutely. But when I reached out for help, my Dad treated me like an adult. I was 16 years old at the time. His confidence in me helped me to have confidence in myself.

When it comes time for my own children to be making their way in the world, I want them to have confidence in their own choices. I want for them to have the courage to try new things, even if they might fail. And if and when they do fail or make the wrong choice, I want them to be able to regroup, learn, and change direction.

Does that start with shoe-tying or the tricycle? Maybe it does. Only time will tell.


Midwest Mom

Frankie Says: RELAX

I wish I knew someone named Frankie...

This week was like running the gauntlet for me. It was and still is exhausting. In fact, I am having a difficult time just getting myself to relax because I am still hyped-up from being so over-scheduled. My mind and body are going a mile a minute.

Which makes me ask -- If I feel this way, how must my children feel?

To help us all chill out a bit, we have had a completely unscheduled weekend. In fact, all of the kids are napping right now (how jealous am I?) And I am finally sitting down to write. What a relief.

You may ask, how do I ever get them to nap? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't.

The boys, ages 5 and 7, will never lay down for a nap, even when they are tired. I understand why not. After all, they are older and don't need to sleep like they did when they were younger. But, there are days when I know they're exhausted. And they're looking at me with that "I'm not tired!" look. There will be no nap.

I explain to them that I understand they are big and they don't need to nap. But, it's important to work in a little quiet time. I don't call it a nap; I just call it "a rest" and I set a timer on the kitchen stove. When they hear the buzzer, they can get up. Sometimes they do, and we've all had 30 minutes of rest and go on with our afternoon fun. But sometimes (like today) they're so focused on listening for that buzzer that they drift off to sleep.

I look at their sleeping as a sign that they needed the rest anyway. But the important part is that their bodies told them it was time to sleep -- not me. And the side-benefit is that I get a little quiet in the middle of my day, whether they fall asleep or not.

Even Frankie would agree that's a good thing.

Getting Ready for Kindergarten

My 5-year old son starts kindergarten next Monday. So, this week, I have been busy getting him ready. We've gotten all the school supplies, gotten uniforms all squared away (yes, his public school has uniforms -- I love it, by the way), purchased and 'broken-in' new school shoes... But kindergarten success doesn't come in your freshly-sharpened set of No. 2 pencils. It isn't packed in your lunchbox...

So we have done a few extra things at our house to get ready:

Getting Down the Schedule:
One of the toughest things about starting school -- for my children -- has been the schedule. From early wake-up to eating by the clock, the regimentation of the school day has been a big challenge. To prepare, we spend the last two weeks of summer vacation on "school time". That means my children have been woken by their alarm clock. Our morning routine has mirrored what it will be on school days, with grooming and dressing and breakfast all completed in time to leave for school. Instead of the usual drive to school, I have rewarded the kids with a game or loaded them in the car for early morning shopping. I have worked rest into the schedule later in the day to help their bodies adjust.

Getting Ready for Lunch:
My oldest son and his kindergarten classmates had a difficult time with -- of all things -- lunch! There were packages to open, trays to balance, those crazy milk cartons. Many of them were overwhelmed. Kindergarten lunch was also the first experience many of the students had with eating on their own. There is no parent there to say, "hurry up!" or "eat your sandwich first, then your cookie!" To prepare for lunch, I have tried to give lunchtime foods all at once, so my son can choose what to eat when. I also have made him responsible for opening his own packaging -- yogurt lids, for instance -- so that he'll be able to do that without a problem later on. I also keep an eye on the clock and don't let the lunchtime meal at home last too long. If he's used to eating in a timely way at home, he'll be more likely to get the nutrition he needs to last all the way through the bus ride home.

Reading, Writing, and 'Rithmetic:
Okay, a kindergartener doesn't necessarily need to have a lot of academic skills. But whatever skills you can teach at home will help the teacher move the class forward. We have worked on reading and writing the alphabet and short words, writing my son's first and last name, and numbers 1-20. Every afternoon after lunch, we sit down and "play school". Spending this time together helps us work on holding the pencil correctly, listening and following directions, and sets the stage for us to work together on homework later on. Besides, I love the one-on-one time I have with him, and he loves the feeling of success he gets from showing me something new he's learned.

Teaching About Safety:
Finally, I am preparing my son by going over some very basic safety items. He knows his address and phone number. We have talked about a variety of situations that may arise at school. He knows who may pick him up in an emergency. We've also talked about friends and being responsible for your own behavior and choices. He knows that he has to evaluate a situation and decide what to do about it for himself, but that he also has a group of trusted adults who are ready to listen and help him when he needs it.

In our family, we talk about feelings a lot, and I've tried to make space for my son to share his excitement and fears about this new adventure. We've checked out kindergarten stories from the library and visited his school to make things feel familiar, even as they're so new. One theme I've noticed about most of the stories we've read is the hovering parents reluctant to leave the room. I know I'll be one of them -- I'm not ready to let my little guy go so soon.

...but that's a post for another day.

Midwest Mom

Giving Primo his Props

You think you know your children, but every so often they give you a true glimpse of what they're made of... on the inside.

My oldest son is a runner. My husband and I call him 'Primo' as a way to talk about him in his own presence. He's seven, so that kind of trickery still works on him. Every Monday of the summer, he races cross-country in a program put on by our local running club. His race is the mile and he loves it. He usually finishes first or second in his age group, and we encourage his enthusiasm for the sport. On non-race days, he will often run with his Dad, who also ran cross-country years ago. I love it that they share that time.

Sometimes, however, Primo's races don't quite go as planned. His toughest obstacle this year has been the starting line. It is not as well-regulated a start as it could be, so when the starter's whistle blows, there is a tangled stampede of 6 to 9 year olds running like mad for the first 50 yards of the race.

We've tried to have him stand at different places along the line, but there is always pushing and shoving... it's been tough on him (and even tougher on his mother watching him).

That is, until last night.

The whistle blew, and what a start he had! He was running strong and fast with an excellent starting sprint. Of course (you knew this was coming) until a large-ish boy a head taller and 20 pounds heavier tripped and fell right into him. The boy got up and continued running, but my son lay there like a slapped mosquito. Needless to say, I ran.

By the time I got to him, the starter and Primo's soccer coach were at his side. He was dazed from a sneaker to the head and he had scrapes on hands, elbows, and legs. His face was contorted at the injustice of the whole thing. It had been his best start ever! I did my best to keep my cool and give him a quick check.

He was crying out his rage. Quietly I looked him in the eye and asked, "So, do you want to race? Or should we sit this one out?"

His green eyes narrowed and he set his jaw. "I want to race."

He then proceeded to run the best race I have ever seen him run. Even after standing there for at least a minute and a half while we checked him out, he finished in the middle of the pack. I couldn't believe it.

I thought, what toughness! This is MY SON.

I have never been more proud than I was last night... and still am. What is even better, though, is to see his pride in himself. To stumble and fall but to get right back up again, to use the experience to move forward, do better, run faster... what an amazing step for him. I am so grateful for the blessing of being there to see it. I'm even more grateful for my amazing son.

- Midwest Mom

Chores or No Chores?

... That is the question.

Have you ever visited a friend who works outside the home (and whose children are in daycare) and been really discouraged because their house looks like a page from a magazine? That is so not my house. Why? Umm... we live here. So, sometimes things get messy. When you have three children, that's life, I guess.

Usually, I feel like I can keep up with things. There are those times, though, when I feel like Cinderella minus the Fairy Godmother. Then I think of my own mother, who had six children to chase after, six schedules to keep straight, and six clutter bugs leaving their "droppings" in every room of the house. She's either a Saint or she was crazy -- or both.

But, she had a way to get a little help around the house. It's a little something we like to call chores.

My mom's chore system was a complex affair. It was well-designed for maximum efficiency and completely even distribution of work. She labeled the kitchen chairs with numbers, 1 through 6. Each chair was assigned a household chore, like vacuuming or dusting or cleaning the bathroom, and a kitchen chore, like setting the table or loading the dishwasher. We rotated chairs each week. That way, there could never be the argument that one child "got off easy" or that a "favorite" chore was always assigned to the same child. It worked like clockwork.

But I know myself. A system like hers is completely beyond me. Now that I have my own children, my mom's chore system may as well be advanced particle physics or nuclear engineering. It would be nice to have a fully functioning team of professional cleaners, masquerading as elementary school students. But I don't have the discipline to make it happen. I just parent differently.

This year, I thought, "I have a 7, 5, and almost 3 year old. I need something simple." So, I came up with a more basic system that fits our family's needs (and gives me a little bit of a break!)

As part of our daily routine, we spend a little time at the beginning and end of each day tidying up the house. In the morning, there are chores like vacuuming or sweeping the floor. There are the morning dishes to load in the dishwasher, bathrooms to tidy, laundry to sort. The jobs are different each day, and there are some that lend themselves easily to helping hands. Those are the chores I share with the kids.

When they moan in that sing-songy voice, with a tinge of desperation (you know you've heard it), "WHY do we ALways HAVE to HELP??" I explain that they are members of this family, and I am not the only one who has to work around here -- maybe a little more wicked stepmother than Cinderella in my voice. On their best days, they fall in line and give a little effort.

Once in a while, though, they present me with a golden opportunity that cannot be passed up.

At those times, their response to my chore request will be, "Mom, can I earn some money today?" I make it a practice always to reward initiative. "Yes!" I say, with a smile. "I have four chores that need to be done. Each one will earn you a quarter." How many chores my children take on is up to them. We make a verbal contract for the work, I show them how to do it, and once it is complete, they submit it for inspection. If their work passes muster, I pay them. If they've done an exceptional job, I may give them a bonus. All money they earn goes into their piggy banks.

My oldest son loves to earn money for his bank. He likes the jingle of the coins, so I usually pay him in change. After he has completed his chores, he will count all the money in his bank before putting it away. As a result of his enthusiasm, my 5-year-old is catching on. Often, he will ask to clean, too. I give him chores that are difficult for me, but easy for him -- like crawling under the beds and making sure they are clear of toys and books and whatever else. He likes to use the swiffer, so I will attach a dust cloth to it and send him out after the dust bunnies. We use a lot of Clorox wipes or Pledge wipes. My kids can dust with the best of 'em. Often, they will catch things that I miss -- like the dusty bottom rungs of the dining room chairs. Even my little girl has asked for jobs. I give her basic clean-up jobs like putting all the books on the bookshelf (worth a nickel) or lining up all the shoes in pairs (a dime).

Not every clean-up session is a chance to earn money. The children are responsible for putting their dirty clothes in the laundry and making their beds each morning. When we get up from the table, each child cleans off their own place. Clean clothes must be put into a child's bureau before bedtime. And the children try each day to clean up their toys before Daddy gets home. ... not that that always happens.

When we're cleaning the house, I help where I can and try to keep my youngest focused on the task at hand. From time to time, though, I am busy with one of the other thousands of jobs assigned to me (not earning a dime, I might add.) So, I just give the children a task and set a time-limit. "Clean the playroom, please. I will be back in ten minutes to check your work." I check in on them as the time goes by to help them focus and divide up tasks, but they do the work themselves. It is fun to see how proud they are of having accomplished something without my help.

It's also fun for me to spend less time tidying up after them.

I tell my kids, "we work together so we can play together." As a reward, we'll go to the park or go play in the sprinkler or go on a bike ride.

Does the system work perfectly every time? Of course it doesn't. My house gets messy, just like anyone's. But having the kids help with chores does make me feel a little bit less like Cinderella all the time. I hope it is teaching my children about teamwork, responsibility, and taking pride in their work. I think it is.

Maybe I'll ask them when I'm done cleaning the bathtub.

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Plants that Attract Butterflies

If you haven't guessed it, this week is devoted primarily to the garden. We've had beautiful weather in Illinois. It has been cooler than expected for July, and less humid. As a result, some of my summer bloomers are a little slow to take off.

But, I received an email yesterday asking what plants are most likely to attract butterflies. I am happy to respond.
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Our family loves gardening to attract bees, birds, and butterflies. It is a great way to teach your children about nature -- right in your own backyard. If you are interested in easy-care butterfly-friendly plants, consider the following:

• Butterfly bush -- I have a blue butterfly bush, because it is supposed to be slightly more cold hardy than other colors. (I still have to mulch it in the winter, though, for protection on cold nights.) It can grow up to 6 feet tall and 5 feet wide. Mine is in its second year in its current place and has grown about 4 feet tall and 3 feet wide. It has large bloom sprays, much like a lilac, and is very fragrant. We find it becomes a home for many butterflies, but also praying mantises who like to hunt them. It is disease resistant and (maybe because of the mantises) we've never had a problem with it being attacked by bugs.


• Orange Butterfly weed -- This is a beautiful plant that grows in native prairies and wetlands in our region. I have not had success growing it at home. But, feel free to give it a try. It serves both as a host plant and as a nectar plant for several species of butterfly. (It is actually a species of milkweed -- see next entry.)


• Milkweed -- An obvious choice for Monarch lovers. I have pink milkweed in my wildflower garden, where it will blend in and not be disturbed by the normal traffic of the front flower bed. In my opinion, it is not nearly as attractive as Butterfly Bush or Butterfly Weed, but it is very useful if you want a 'homegrown' crop of Monarchs.


• Stonecrop, also called "Live Forever" -- This succulent is a great addition to any sunny, rocky area. It has the ability to establish itself well, even where there is little soil. It blooms in late July with tall, flat pads of pink blossoms. Butterflies find them easy to feed from because they must land to drink nectar. Stonecrop blossoms are a sturdy platform for them. Last year, there were so many butterflies at our Stonecrop, they made a little dancing "cloud" around us. It was magical.


• Purple Coneflower/Echinacea -- As you can see from my son's photo (below), the center of the Purple Coneflower is very attractive to butterflies of all sorts. It is easy to grow and requires very little care.


• Speedwell -- Speedwell comes in several varieties. I have the larger, white variety (in the background of the monarch photo) and also a smaller, pink variety. It is a hardy perennial that blooms from late Spring through early Fall. Bees, butterflies, and even hummingbirds love its long blooming spikes.

There are so many other plants that will attract butterflies to your garden. But the above list is a good starting place for anyone hoping to start a butterfly garden. One more hint on attracting butterflies to your garden will be useful: they need a source of moisture somewhere in the garden. I keep a clean birdbath filled with fresh water right next to my Butterfly bush. Especially in later Summer, do not underestimate the power of a good drink to these wonderful creatures.

Good luck in the garden!

Midwest Mom

p.s. -- If you have suggestions you would like to share, click "comments" and post them! We'd love to hear about your butterfly garden, too.

What a Country!

You cannot beat Fourth of July in the Midwest. We had the best time celebrating. There was beautiful weather, fireworks galore, and family fun around every corner.

On Friday, our family participated in the neighborhood bike parade. It is a homegrown institution, started a few years ago by two schoolteachers in the neighborhood. We decorate all the children's bikes in the morning, and by ten o'clock 150-200 kids are lined up on a neighboring street to start the parade. This year, there was a fire engine at the front of the line and a cowboy on horseback carrying an American flag at the end of the parade. In between, there were decorated four-wheelers, golf carts, tricycles, bikes, wagons, even strollers. As the whole group processes through the neighborhood, we wave and wish people "Happy 4th". It is fun to see how many people bring out their lawn chairs to wave to all the children along the way.

The parade always ends at the same house, with an open garage door and a freezer full of popsicles for the parents and children. It is run entirely by families who have volunteered to make it happen, and it could not be more appreciated by the community. There is no profit, no angle, no politicians involved -- just a community of volunteers and families having fun and celebrating Independence day.

That was typical of the weekend, though. We went to fireworks and the children shared 'glow-sticks' with a little girl who had none, making a new friend in the process. We had a family barbecue on Sunday where everybody contributed to the feast. It was held in a park where almost every alcove was full of extended families doing just the same thing.

For me, the times we enjoyed this weekend confirm that we live in a truly great country filled with generous people. This weekend, it did not matter what Monday's headlines will say or how the stock market will go up or down. We were all members of a loving family, good neighbors in a healthy community, and friends having fun together.

Fourth of July in the Midwest shows the best of what America is. We are giving of our time and our talents. We are people who help one another and set aside our worries to celebrate together. It is an amazing blessing to live in such a rare and wonderful country.

Midwest Mom

The Art of the Long Car Trip

My family recently took a two-week trip to Philadelphia. From Illinois, it was a long haul. And when I say long, I do mean long -- like two separate days of driving to get there long.

But, I have to say, the drive wasn't so bad. We usually take driving vacations, so I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Fortunately, they are tricks I don't mind sharing...

Trick #1: Do your homework.

When I plan one of our drives, I involve the children in the planning. We talk about which states we'll be going through and what that state will be like. Our last trip was a 5 state trip. So, we learned about Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. But the state which captured my children's imagination, at least during the drive, was West Virginia. We were only there for about 30 minutes of the drive, but the kids knew that it was a state of mountains and coal mines. It was there that the roads first got winding and that we saw our first tunnels. Knowing the road ahead helped them to have something to look forward to and gave them a sense of place along the way.

Trick #2: Make the most of your stops.

I remember, when I was a child, we would stop and eat around roadside picnic tables, with expressway traffic shooting by. I never do that with my kids. (Sorry, Mom & Dad... I know you're reading this...)

When we are planning the trip, I use Google Earth to check out towns we will consider stopping in. So many communities across America have invested in beautiful parks (with amazing playgrounds!) If we're going to stop for lunch, we make it standard practice to get the kids out of the car and running around. It lets them be loud and run off all that extra energy and it's a nice reward for their patience in the car. If we're taking an unexpected stop, we ask locals where to find the best playground in town, or we look for a local school playground. It doesn't take a lot to satisfy the kids; if it's new to them, they will love it. And, they're more likely to nap in the car afterward if they're nice and tired when they get in the car.

Trick #3: Eat smart -- good for the waistline, good for your wallet.

When our family takes a road trip, we are more likely to get a loaf of bread, fresh fruit, and sandwich fixings at a local store than to stop for lunch at a fast food place. Providing lunch at the park is more satisfying and laid-back (you don't have to expect a 4 year old to mind his manners), not to mention more nutritious. And in this economy, the most important thing is, you save money. There is nothing worse than paying too much for bad food that your child does not eat. When we're on a trip, we set a maximum of one (yes, I said one) restaurant meal a day. That way, when they do get into the restaurant, a) they are hungry, b) they are willing to mind their manners and c) you can afford those special foods they (and you) don't get all the time -- a good steak, seafood, that beautiful chocolate cheesecake or sundae at the end of the meal.

We find that the one restaurant meal a day rule makes us more portable, too. We can be selective in what we eat by carrying fruit or carrot sticks or fresh water and eating on the go. We can take a walk in the morning, get good coffee and give our two-year-old her first raspberry croissant or take a hike and open our backpack to apples and cheese and juice boxes at the top of a mountain. There is something satisfying about food that is fresh, light, and well-earned. We find it keeps us from feeling that ugly "I've been traveling too long" feeling you can get from eating rich food at every meal.

If you're worried that you may be caught without something appropriate, you can always repeat what I tell myself when packing -- I live in the United States of America. There is nowhere you can go in this amazing country that you cannot find something to sustain your family.

And some of our neatest discoveries have come during a stopover "food search". On our trip through Pennsylvania, we stopped in a small farm town and went to the local store. My seven year old decided it was time to try sardines for the first time (that was a shocker!), but the rest of us had some fresh fruit, crackers, cheese, and large cartons of milk. And while we sat on a grassy hillside adjacent to the store, here came buggyful after buggyful of Amish men in brightly colored shirts right past us. It was a neat moment that gave us a chance to teach our children and to see something we don't get the chance to see everyday.

Trick #4: Never underestimate the power of something new.

Every mom searches her brain for which toys and books to bring on the trip. We ask ourselves how much to bring and which toys or games are best. I like toys that are based upon imaginary play (so action figures or dolls are good), ones that are small (so magnetized games are great), ones that are low-tech (no loud sounds or annoying lights, and no need to bring batteries). I like small puzzles that can be done and re-done, or toys that involve something to figure out (my boys love transformers), but they can't have too many pieces. We bring a large number of small paperback storybooks and usually a chapter book for me to read when the ride seems long. We like mysteries or adventure stories, but classics are fun, too. On our last trip, we read a children's version of Treasure Island. For boys who love pirates, it was something they never tired of listening to.

That probably seems like a standard list of basic ideas, but the trick is this: pack your toys and books into a few separate packages and introduce them to your children in stages. And be sure to reserve a small bag of totally new books and toys for the ride home. If we're planning on being away for two weeks, and my children have had the same 10 books the whole time, they are so sick of those stories by the ride home, that all I hear is complaining. So, I try to keep a little mystery in the ride for them. At the end of each day, I pack up some toys and put them away until later in the trip. On our last vacation, I even packed one brand new toy into each of their suitcases. It was "the hotel toy", and they could only play with it in the hotel room. (It was my smart idea to avoid having to schlep everything up from the car all the time.) It worked beautifully. Never underestimate the power of something new.


If you and your family are going away for the long weekend, please have a safe and pleasant trip. I hope you come across some exciting new things along the way. Hopefully, you'll discover what we have discovered -- that the art of the long car trip is not lost, and that there's no reason to dread the road that takes you where you're going. If you can discover new things along the way and treat yourself to the joy of getting OFF the expressway for a while, you will find that getting there can be just as much fun as the rest of your vacation.

Happy Fourth of July!

Midwest Mom

Summer Fun Idea #1: the Library

It's July now, and that means summer vacation is halfway over. It also means that the hot weather is only just beginning. There is the danger of summertime boredom hitting soon. As the weather gets hotter, even visits to the playground or pool will start to seem routine. We need something new, so it's time to hit the books.

Two out of my three children are now readers, and they have read and re-read most of the books we have at home. Our local library (aside from being an air-conditioned haven on the hottest days) has endless adventures for them to lose themselves in. The children's department has learning games on the computer -- a special treat for my kids -- and themed reading programs for elementary age kids.

When we go, we visit the picture books to choose new stories or old favorites. I also let my children chose one non-fiction book, to learn all about something new. Last week my five-year-old chose a book about Platypuses. My older one chose one about space exploration. These are things I cannot teach them. Our library has music to broaden their cultural education, too. Finally, we go to the young adult fiction, to choose a chapter book for me to read to them. Lately, we're reading The Hardy Boys, Secret of the Old Mill. It is such a treat to see them all on the edge of their seat when we get a real page-turner.

We visit the library in the morning, and on our library days, they will beg to read or be read to after lunch. There is nothing better for their minds or their imagination than practice reading. It helps them feel less restless. And guess what? It's fun for them that is free! This is no $3 carnival ride that is going to be over in two minutes. When they check out books, they get to keep them and read them for up to two weeks.

Going to the library is a great outlet to see school friends, too. When we're planning a visit, I usually phone a friend or two from school to let them know. It's always a surprise to see who comes by to meet us. Sometimes, the kids will even make a new friend or two.

So, instead of the pool or the fair or the park or the baseball diamond, give the library a try. It's the perfect cure for the summer doldrums.

The Making of Mud Puppies

Yesterday, we had friends from Ohio come to spend the day with us. It was hot, so in the afternoon, all the kids donned bathing suits to go out in the sprinkler.

They had a great time running and laughing, pouring buckets of water over their heads and over each other's heads. At one point, the four older ones got together to create a big mud wallow and heave gigantic rocks into it, just to see how big of a mud splash they could make. "Cannonball!" they all yelled together, then sploosh! Mud everywhere.

I let them do it. It's summer, after all, and I've heard mud is good for the complexion. Someday some spa will charge $100 for the same thing.

Once they had exhausted themselves we went indoors. Of course, we tried first to squirt the mud off their ears, foreheads, elbows, backs, and back sides. There was no way we could get it all, but we tried. Inside, bathing suits were put immediately into the laundry.

When our guests' mom came to get them, we laughingly told her about the afternoon's adventure. "Sounds like you had fun!" and then a whisper to me, "...thanks for washing the suits!" I sent them away with a basketful of dinner and hugs.

I'm hoping that a day of crazy fun was just what they needed. They were in town because their grandmother is sick in the hospital. So, when they arrived, they were pensive. There was none of that on their way out the door. Just laughter. I like that.

I think that kind of play is really therapeutic for kids. Sometimes you just have to let your kids go a little insane to keep them sane the rest of the time. And it feels so good to watch them be creative (even with mud!) and play themselves totally exhausted.

That is totally worth a little laundry.

Midwest Mom

Ants in my Pants

My oldest son cracks me up. His favorite toy is named "SuperBug". He loves bugs of all kinds. He sleeps with a bee and a ladybug. When we are outdoors, he studies ants, bees, spiders. Last year, he caught a grasshopper longer than my index finger and a praying mantis or two. He took them to school for show and tell. His entire kindergarten year was spent reading library books about the life cycle of bugs. We read about ants and butterflies, but also about termites and cockroaches. It was disgusting.

I can't stand bugs.

The reason I can't stand bugs is very simple. Of course, there is a story behind it. When I was in kindergarten, we lived in Southern California. Our street was, essentially, built upon a giant ant hill. Every week, a different house on the street was being treated for ants. They would make giant highways of ant bodies that would stretch up to an open second floor window because some child had left the cap off the toothpaste and they could smell the sugar. It was disturbing, but living there, you just put the ants at the back of your mind. I was, after all, in kindergarten.

Well, one day, a group of neighbors were in our back yard playing in the sprinkler. We were all in our bathing suits, and our moms were sipping iced tea in the shade of our back patio. We were having a great time running and being crazy and cooling off. I decided to take a short rest, sitting down on a small wall that separated the patio from the rest of the yard. There was a puddle at the base of the wall. I put my feet in it.

(Right now, something inside of you should be saying, "Uh-Oh...")

Well, the "puddle" was a collapsed ant hill. After a few seconds, I felt an itch inside my suit. I scratched, but the itchiness continued. I looked in my suit.

IT WAS FULL OF ANTS!

Screaming, I ran back into the sprinkler. (I had, of course, instinctively ripped off my suit and was bare naked and screaming until the ants were gone.)

Did I mention that all the neighbors were over?

Of course, my mother, laughing so hard that she was crying, rushed over to help. We got the ants off, but the laughter didn't die down until quite a while later. I don't care. I still blame those ants. Forever afterward, my dad and mom would rib me about my lingering bug phobia. On Saturday afternoons, Dad would turn on movies like "THEM". Talk about creepy.

But, fast forward to now. As a result of my son and his this love of all things buggy, I have had to temper my own distaste for the little beasts. We've come to a bit of a truce. In my generosity, I have decided to give the outdoors over to the bugs. (Inside the house is another story.)

I have to, grudgingly, admit that certain bugs DO serve a very useful purpose in my garden. Our wildflower patch and clover patch have been great places to see butterflies grow and honeybees do their work. We don't use bug control chemicals on anything at our place, so we even have predators, like the mantises. They are such fun to watch in action. And this time of year, the lightning bugs are out every evening. My son is very good at catching those, too.

"Hey, mom, do you want to hold it?" he'll ask me.

"That's okay, honey." I say. "You go ahead. I think I'll pass."

I haven't told him the story about the ants yet.

Midwest Mom

Life before Antibiotics

Two of my three children are currently battling strep throat. One is on his second round of antibiotics because the first didn't eliminate the infection... The difference after just one or two doses is remarkable. You would hardly know they were sick. I'm keeping them home and forcing them to rest -- just in case.

I spoke with my sister yesterday. Her daughter, age 10, complained of ear pain, so she took her to the doctor. Diagnosis? "Whoa! That's bad." said the Doc. Antibiotic in hand, she left the pharmacy, and 12 hours later her daughter is just fine. Forget Bayer -- the miracle drug seems to be Amoxycillin, or "Pink Drink" as my kids call it.

When I think about how sick my kids can get -- you know, the kind of sick where they're just willing to lay limp in your arms -- and I think about how difficult it would be to try to make them well without antibiotics, I am confounded. How did our grandmothers do this? No wonder they were totally gray by age 30.

But Antibiotics have a downside, too. For my kids, they probably won't even remember this bout with strep. I remember, "back in the day" when I was a kid, that strep throat was a golden disease... like pinkeye. It was guaranteed days off from school... Ten, to be exact. Pinkeye was a guaranteed three and you had to put nasty goo right on your eyeball. But hey, when you're 8 years old, three is better than nothing. Am I right?

Chicken pox was the same way. Of course, the killjoys in the medical establishment have come up with a vaccine for that one. What's the matter with them? Don't they realize, in this world of no vacation days, chicken pox is a person's last chance to have a good long undisturbed rest? Sure, you're itchy all over -- but that's beside the point.

I guess I can't complain with the medical people, though. They're helping my kids with this crazy strep. And they did invent antibiotics. So they can stay. (I can hear their collective sigh of relief, can't you?)

So, the upside to antibiotics is virtually instant cure to any infection. Downside, you don't feel sick, so you don't get your rest. But, I have often said that the goal of parenting is to raise your children to be healthy, decent adults. And adults right now have to work crazy hours with very little time off. ... So, maybe the antibiotics are just getting them used to life as an American Worker...

Which reminds me -- vacation policy in this country is lousy! But, that's a discussion for another time. ... I'd better get back to my "sick" children. They're bouncing on the living room couches again.

... Darn those antibiotics!

Midwest Mom
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Pregnancy Pact: Are these girls NUTS?!?

I read about a group of girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts, yesterday who apparently have taken leave of their senses. Maybe they thought the movie Juno was a documentary. Maybe they still believe in unicorns. Who knows? But these girls decided that getting pregnant as a teenager was in. It was "the thing to do"... The newspaper said they took "a pregnancy pact". I say they had a very bad case of "the stupids."

To you girls who think teen pregnancy is the way to go, here's what you can count on for the next 9 months - 20 years.

1. Body Changes: You will grow, jiggle, and ache in places you never knew you had. A pregnant belly can be beautiful, yes -- but afterward, it ain't so pretty. You are probably done with bikinis after this. If you nurse, guess what? The "boost" you get in the bra-line will eventually go away, and those puppies won't salute the sun in the same way ever again.
2. Your life is no longer your own: When you are pregnant, every choice you make effects the child in your body. Guess what? THAT'S THE EASY PART. After the baby is born, every choice you make effects the child outside your body. Let's see.... you're 17 or 18 now. So, you'll be about 38 years old by the time this child is fully out on their own. (Wow. You're old.) But you'll still be young, right? And you'll finally be free! ...That is, until you realize that the stupids are hereditary, in which case they'll be calling you Grandma at 38.
3. Your Relationships will change: In the movies, there is a compassionate family that surrounds a pregnant young woman. There is something so pitiful about her that it seems wrong to hold a grudge. But there will be people in your life who will not be able to handle this. Friends without children will go on with their normal lives. Sure, you have had the good sense to get pregnant with 17 buddies... but my guess is you will have a blast experiencing post partum depression together. The sleep deprivation that comes with a new baby will not make you the easiest person to get along with. This won't be an all night slumber party -- motherhood is relentless, and you will be changed by it.
4. I'm not even going to go into labor. That can be your happy little surprise.
5. Responsibility Begins Now: You have chosen to embark on the adult portion of your life sooner rather than later. That means you are now the head of a family. You will have to find a way to earn money for it. (I tell ya, blogging doesn't pay the bills, sweetheart.) You will have to worry about earning money for yourself and your child, and you may have to go on assistance to do it. But, check your pride at the door, because a good mother will do whatever is necessary to guarantee a good life for her child. And clothes, food, and all the wonderful things your parents have given you were not free.

Perhaps you think that I am painting a dark picture, or that I was not ready for my own children. Well, I will say now what few women will admit -- no one is fully ready. Motherhood is as different from your girlish youth as living on Mars is different from Earth. I waited until I was 28 to have my first child, and even then I don't think I knew what I was getting into. I look at myself now, at how happy I am in this role and how well my children are growing and I feel so grateful. Because entering motherhood was like passing through a wall of fire -- it was truly difficult and changed the core of who I am. I will never be the person I was. I will always be connected to my children -- old, young, sick, well, living, dying, and even after they have passed away. They are a part of me and always will be. Everything I experience is seen through the lens of being their mother.

You will learn this.

Good luck girls,

Midwest Mom

The Best Laid Plans of Elastigirl

I remember the first time I watched the movie The Incredibles. I remember thinking how ironic it was that the mother's superpower was extreme flexibility and super stretchiness. It's not a very glamorous super-power. But then again, how else can a Mom manage all the different directions Life will take the family?

We had one of those weekends that had 8 million diversions from the path we set out to take. We rushed out the door to a baseball game -- five minutes later, lightning flashed and the game was cancelled. We had friends from out of town scheduled to come over for the afternoon and stay for dinner -- we had to cancel when my daughter woke up miserable with a high fever. ... It was one of those weekends.

Fortunately, the thing that usually stretches me to the breaking point wasn't a problem. My husband's ringing work phone only rang once this weekend. And he was able to solve the caller's problem without heading in to work. Hallelujah! Lately, that cell phone has been the enemy of our weekends, dragging him away in the morning, evening, and the middle of the night.

This weekend, thankfully, was different.

It was such a relief, even in the face of constantly changing plans and expectations, to have a husband and a Dad right here with us. He went out on Saturday morning to buy donuts for breakfast, and when he came back, my oldest son was so relieved. "I thought you had to work on a Saturday again," he said. The donuts were a secondary bonus -- what he wanted was his Dad.

Having another parent here to share the load -- even the load of 3 kids inside during a rainstorm and the load of caring for a sick toddler, on top of the normal cooking, cleaning, laundry, you-name-it that I do all the time -- helps me feel like it's actually the weekend. When my husband is on call or traveling, and I am the 'go to girl' for all my children's needs for weeks at a time, I don't get a weekend. I don't get time off at all. And as a result, I find I rely more on routine and rules and you-WILL-do-it-my-way than I ever do normally. I am less tolerant of messes and rude humor. Bedtimes are strictly enforced. We laugh less. Our lives become, in general, a lot less fun.

When I have to parent alone, I am less silly-putty and more like a sun-bleached rubber band that still has a little stretch, but could break any minute. It makes me wonder how single parents can do this at all. I couldn't parent full-time by myself, much less parent well. And single parents have to worry about work and child-care and keep up with what's going on with school and their kids friends... It would be too much for me, I am sure of it. I couldn't do this alone. I'm not SuperWoman.

I guess that's why I identify with Elastigirl. She has superpowers, but she's part of a team that helps her be her best. I need my team, especially Mr. Incredible. With him around this weekend -- even with the changed plans and sickness and constantly changing gears -- I felt stretchy and flexible enough to handle it all.

Midwest Mom

How to Beat High Gas Prices: We Did It!

I was so proud of my kids yesterday. Over the past two weeks, we've been working hard to get past illness and bad weather. We've been taking longer and longer rides on our bikes...

Well, yesterday, we finally did it.

We went grocery shopping by bicycle. And it worked great!

Our grocery store is 1.5 miles away, and even though we live in the Midwest, there are some hills along our route. Part of the trip involves a busy road with a bike lane, too. So, I wasn't entirely convinced that we'd be able to make it. But I put my 7-year-old in the lead and everyone wore their helmets, and the ride went perfectly.

When we got to the store, it was great to see how proud the kids were to tell everyone we'd come on our bikes. They must have told twelve different people who work for the store! The ladies at the bakery department were so delighted, they passed out chocolate chip cookies all around. (Talk about positive reinforcement!)

One thing I wasn't personally prepared for was the way I would have to control what I bought. Not because of the cost -- I'm used to that by now. But because I had to be sure not to buy things that weigh too much. I needed milk and Pull-ups and bread, but I couldn't buy a ton of canned goods or a 12-pound turkey on a trip like this. (Fortunately, hot dogs weigh a lot less.) And that added weight in our bike trailer sure made the ride home more of a workout for me. Did I mention there were hills?

The best part of using our bicycles to run errands -- aside from the fact that I'm not using my car and paying through the nose for gasoline -- was just the sheer fun of it. Our little group met other cyclists, adults out for some exercise or kids on their way to the pool. It was a great time. We will definitely do it again.

And the way my children ate when they got home -- we'll have to go again soon!

Midwest Mom
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