The Art of Spoilsport Parenting

We've had a summer of plenty here on the homestead -- abundant rain, abundant sunshine on the garden (abundant weeds...), good friends and food, swimming and camping. It has been a golden summer for my kids.

I feel grateful and blessed... but also a little bit worried.

I worry because I know that every summer won't be like this. Or maybe I let my mind get into fast-forward to a time when the kids will have summer jobs and dates and lives full of adult responsibility. Or, maybe I find it hard to parent about balance when we're having fun all the time.

Maybe I'm just a spoilsport parent. Debbie Downer. Whatever.

That must be why I purposely plan dinner without dessert and have to explain my reasons to my sons. Last night I found myself saying, "Sure we could have dessert... but it's healthier to set aside a couple of nights a week as dessert nights, so it's something special."

My nine-year-old and seven-year-old scoffed. They have monster metabolisms right now and scarf down food left and right to keep their engines running. "When I'm the parent, we're going to have dessert every day," they said.

Maybe so.

Maybe my spoilsport balance-parenting is the reason why now, in the height of summer, I chose to read the kids Laura Ingalls Wilder's The Long Winter -- a story of Laura's family's struggle to survive seven months of blizzard on the plains of South Dakota. I even invoked the book during last night's dessert discussion.

The reality is this:

There's a part of this Mom that wants to enjoy the present so much, and that's why I work to make summer a fun time for my children. But there is also a part that wants to teach them to appreciate their blessings and be grateful for what they have. It's hard to teach that second part when we're eating cupcakes and going to the swimming pool every day.

So, I'm teaching balance by holding back a little. We have chore days and camp instead of going to Disney. We place limits on screen time and play board games or go for bike rides instead. We occasionally go without dessert. (God forbid!)

Does that make me a spoilsport parent? Maybe. But maybe sometime soon, my kids will look back on this summer and not remember the holding-back. I hope they'll remember the good times we've had and be thankful.

That's what spoilsport parenting is all about, right? ... throwing a wrench in the works and expecting the kids to be grateful for it, or at least understand...

Then again, maybe I just need to relax a little and make a pan of brownies today.

I'll flip a coin. Heads - my house smells like chocolate for the afternoon, Tails - we go without.

(Now, where did I put that two-headed coin?)

- Midwest Mom

Shifting Gears: From Discipline to Self-Discipline

I had an interesting conversation with my husband today. He remarked that my parenting is changing in an interesting way. I said I hadn't noticed. In truth, maybe I have.

When I first became a parent, a trusted older friend who had already raised her children gave me a book by T. Berry Brazelton called Touchpoints. I loved the book's approach to varying child temperaments and its description of developmental stages. But what I took special pains to implement was Brazelton's approach to child discipline. The goal of discipline, as I understood his explanation, was to lead a child to self-discipline. That is to say, to give a child tools to operate successfully in the world and to own his or her own decision-making in a conscious way.

When I was growing up (sorry, Mom and Dad) the only goals of discipline that I could discern were maintaining order and showing who was in charge.

I will admit, there was a learning curve for me. As a young mother I lost my cool more than once. There were times that I had to stop myself from reacting to a situation or an undesirable behavior just to show I was still the boss. But, I have learned to be more detached and to understand my children's choices as exactly that -- their choices.

Fast forward to today's conversation. My husband observed that I have been giving my oldest child a "longer leash" when it comes to his temper. He has been easily frustrated lately, and sometimes it seems that his emotions are bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to burst out at a moment's notice.

Experience tells me that heightened emotions are par for the course during the first part of the school year. Schedules are changing and so are relationships. With so much up in the air in my children's lives, it's no wonder that they choose home as their safe place to let their emotions fly.

But in a way, I can see my husband's point. I have been shifting gears on discipline with our oldest. Maybe I'm waiting for him to find his feet on his own. Maybe I'm hoping that the ever-elusive self-discipline will kick in. Maybe I understand that I can't muscle him into a place where he has full emotional control at all times.

I'm not even in that place yet.

I explained as much to my husband. And he gave me a raised-eyebrow look of appreciation. "You may be right," he admitted. "Let's just wait and be supportive."

So now we wait and help and express our confidence in our son. I'm hoping this year will be an important one for him -- a time he'll look back at and recognize that his parents started giving him more responsibility and more credit for making his own choices.

I suppose we'll see if this was the right time to shift gears.

- Midwest Mom

Why do we Love Quick Fixes?

The American desire to make everything "Quick and Easy" has been getting under my skin lately. You would think when we're slapped in the face by reality, we would finally get it.

As a people, we are corner-cutters. On a less-charitable day, I might even call us lazy. The fact is that there are large numbers of people in the United States who want to be instantly rich, thin, successful, happy and find the love of their lives -- and put in zero work to do it. The realist in me finds it infuriating.

I'll give you a few recent examples:

• At Wal-Mart yesterday, I stood behind a woman whose cart was overflowing with Banquet Pot Pies, Stouffer's frozen French Bread Pizza, and Donuts. She picked up and purchased a woman's magazine whose lead story was "Get totally fit in 5 minutes!" ... How ironic.


• Driving through town two days ago, I saw a man throwing handful after handful of chemical ice-melt on a walkway. The walkway had about 3 inches of light, fresh snow. The man's shovel was leaning against the building behind him.


• Car dealerships and furniture stores in our area are still running radio ads offering Zero Percent financing for up to 24 months! on new purchases. Yes, even now. These morons haven't learned a thing.

Another example of our Quick Fix mentality is the Economic Stimulus Package. It astounds me that there are still people who think the remedy for a bad economy is tax cuts and more bank bailouts. Even more crazy is the expectation that, if we get the right mix of policy in this bill, no money will be wasted and recovery will be immediate.

What dreamland are people living in?

I know that in our house, we have spent a long time trying to put our financial ducks in a row. Even that multi-year effort does not guarantee us stability in this economy.

Parents know there are no shortcuts in raising our kids. What works is patient dedication and consistency. You can't teach a child to read without taking the time to read together. You can't raise a healthy child if you plop him in front of the TV every afternoon. Laziness doesn't cut it, and short cuts do not work.

Why should we expect positive results if our government is looking for the short cut to a healthy economy?

I know I am just a Mom, not an economist, but I also know that our family couldn't survive with deficits like the federal government currently runs. And if I gave my son money to buy a gallon of milk and he came home with a pocketful of candy, I wouldn't trust him with the same errand in the future. Maybe Treasury Secretary Geitner should keep that in mind when he deals with executives at AIG, Citigroup, and Bank of America.

Several news outlets are offering updates and opinions on the progress of the Stimulus Bill in the Senate. (Bloomberg, Huffington Post, NYTimes)

You can also find a copy of the House version of the stimulus bill here.

If you have some time, please have a look and formulate your own opinions. Then write your Senators and Representative to let them know what you think.

In my opinion, this time there is no quick fix -- no amount of Lotto tickets, diet pills, or Botox are going to make the economy healthy again. The most we can expect is a reasonable compromise and lots and LOTS of hard work.

I think we're up to it, if we're finally willing to give it a try.


- Midwest Mom

Silence and Cucumbers

We had a crazy weekend. It was fun, but it was crazy.

So, this morning when the alarm clock went off, it was difficult to get us all moving again.

I did it nonetheless.

It was the morning routine of the American mother.

The urging, the cheerleading, the steering, the feeding, the combing, the peace keeping, the shoe-tying, the lunch-packing, the driving, the kiss-goodbye-ing. The return home to dish-washing, laundry, toddler games, and bed-making. Thinking about supper when it's only 10:00 in the morning.

It wears on a person sometimes.

There are times when I feel the heavy weight of responsibility bearing down on me, when the knowledge that my husband and children's health, cleanliness, and emotional well-being are in my hands seems like a burden. There are times when keeping family peace and making sure every other human being within our personal radius is appropriately cared-for feels like work.

These are the times when my energy-gauge reads "Empty".

These are the times when I know it's time to do something different with my day. To change up the routine and let the saddle sores of personal servitude have some time to heal.

It's when I take time for silence.

So, if you happen to come by the house today, you should know that I won't be answering the door. I've turned off the radio. I've turned off the phone.

There are cucumbers on my eyes.

And I'm enjoying a little silence for a change.

It's the one way I know to help let the gratitude back in and feel the joy of mothering again.

Who knew silence and cucumbers were such a wonderful combination?

For me, they're like magic.

- Midwest Mom

Update: the Monkeys are Happy

I blogged a few weeks ago about redecorating our children's bedroom and the fact that we were going to let them paint it. I got several responses lauding our personal bravery for doing such a thing and many more requests for pictures.


Well, no one can say I ignore my readers, can they?


We had a wonderful time on painting day (rather, painting night).





Some of us painted like real professionals.





While others needed a little sisterly advice.





Some seemed like they were born for this work -- natural artists.



While others had to stretch their skills.




Some even got a mild scolding for being just a touch too messy.
(Couldn't see that one coming, could you?)






But in the end, the room was finished. We moved all the furniture back in, and got everyone settled back in their home again. Even the monkeys.





And when the Monkeys are Happy, we're all happy.





- Midwest Mom

Teaching Children to Take Action

No one knows how children will turn out; a great tree often springs from a tender plant.
-- Norwegian proverb

My husband and I are politically aware adults -- we read the news and talk about justice issues in the world on a daily basis. We are keenly aware that our actions can have a positive effect on our community, if we choose to make activism a priority. We can have a broader effect, if we choose, by sharing our ideas or contributing to causes.

I have always talked to my children, most often in terms of our faith but also, recently, in terms of our duty as American citizens, about why my husband and I believe what we do.

Alleviating poverty is one of the first priorities on our "activist list". For us, it is important to feed hungry people and provide clothing to those who do not have it, not because we are wealthy, but because we can.

As a Christian Parent, I understand that teaching my children about the world -- about justice and injustice and about the highs and lows of life -- is a key aspect of of parenting, if I want my children to become mature, understanding adults. How do I do it? I get them involved.

When my oldest was 3 years old, he worked with me at a local food pantry once a week. He couldn't do much, just put cans or fruit into grocery bags. But he helped me work at the desk and talk to the clients who came in for food. He played and laughed with them.

When I drop clothing off at our local ministry for families in need, my children accompany me. We talk about why we give and who will be wearing their jackets and dresses and shoes. At the end of last year, I was told by my friend at the ministry that they served 637 children in our area last year. That's a lot of children who need help. I share that information with my kids so that they know there are children who are cold tonight, but they also know that there is something we can do to help make them warmer.

My children's preschool has a mitten tree every winter. I would always let my children choose colors for scarves and hats that I would knit for the tree. The act of making something carefully, of taking the time to create something warm and beautiful was not lost on my children. They have each commented on the labor and time; they have been sources of conversation about gratitude and "why" that have, I hope, led each of us to greater understanding.

Every parent has a way of looking at the world and seeing the ways it could be made better. I am keenly aware that there is more I can do. I am committed to challenging myself to make more of a difference if I can. Perhaps now is the time to reach farther than our local community.

As a part of Bloggers Unite!, I am dedicating a portion of this post to Refugee awareness. There is a crisis in our world right now. In Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Darfur, and anywhere there is conflict, there are good people who must flee to keep their families safe. For some, including children, citizenship rights can be taken away, resulting in "statelessness" where they do not have a homeland to return to. Others can be repatriated, but need help with food, clothing, and housing.

As parents, we may not be able to save the world, but we can educate ourselves on the real struggles of millions across the world. As difficult as it may be, we can talk to our children about the reality of the refugee crisis, not in horrifying detail, but in truth. We can talk about what we learn. We can listen. We can act.

Teaching children to take action means that we must be willing to confront difficult realities as parents. No one is going to solve all the injustice in the world at once. And parents and families often feel that our plates are full. But, we can choose to focus on small ways to affect larger problems. When we do that, we give our children another tool in their toolbox, another type of perspective, an opportunity for compassion.

Our children will need those tools, perspective and compassion. As they grow into adults, they can be caretakers for their world, just as we are of ours. When parents teach action, even in a small way, we have the chance for our lessons to be far-reaching. So, whether we work as helpers in our towns, our churches, and our neighborhoods or whether we reach beyond the local to take on something much larger, the activism we teach can have much broader effects than we even realize -- like ripples in a pond.

I would encourage you to start with your own children by even choosing one issue to take on as a family. Will it be helping a neighbor, building a home for someone who has nowhere to live, feeding the hungry? You choose. But be sure to make the choice -- and start teaching.

****************************

How can we act right now to help refugees? One way is to support organizations like Refugees United. It is an organization that provides a forum -- a way for refugees to communicate and find their relatives. It is free and confidential and focused on giving refugees and their family the means to take action themselves. It can help parents find their children or wives find their husbands. Refugees United is one example of what can happen when caring people unite to solve large problems. Overcoming the communication obstacle in refugee communities brings families one step closer to becoming whole.

-Midwest Mom

Why All Moms Should Vote

On Illini Family Politics, I wrote an article, "Why We Parents Must Vote," that states part of my case for voting this year. I have a special message for moms, though. Your voice, in particular, needs to be heard in this election.

As a mother, I am convinced that this presidential election is a pivotal event for our nation. For me, it represents the opportunity to bring our priorities as moms to the forefront of the national agenda. Education, health care, and an end to the war in Iraq are important to me. I am also firmly committed to social justice and alleviating poverty. The economy, energy policy, protecting the environment are vital to our future -- to my children's future. These are my priorities. I understand they are not shared by all. Still, they are the issues that are important to me and important to my family.

I send a message about my priorities by voting.

I have voted in every election since I turned 18. I even bring my children to the polls. They have never been unwelcome (in fact, they are usually doted upon by the wonderful volunteers at our local polling station.) My children enjoy the outing, and learn something in the process. Even if we have to wait in line, there is always a sense that they are being involved in important work -- the work of our country.

If you feel uncomfortable bringing your children to the polls, you can vote while they are in school. If you have preschoolers, you can arrange to meet other moms you trust at the polls and rotate who goes in to vote and who keeps the children playing outside. Polling places are often schools or community centers with places for children to play. But if the weather is bad, bring them in with you. Having children is an important part of who a mom is; there is no reason that they would not be welcome, provided they respect what is going on inside. So, talk to them and take this rare opportunity to teach them something they can learn best from you.

If your child is sick, there has never been a better reason to get an impromptu babysitter. Do not be afraid to ask. I have watched neighbors' children so that they could vote. Call grandma to come over for a half hour to give you the opportunity to go to the polls. Trust me, she will say "yes."

When moms vote, we tell our government how we want it to run for the next four years. In addition to the presidential race, there are local races that will have a direct effect on our lives in our states, cities, and towns. Moms voices need to be heard nationally and locally. Don't just be a bystander.

So, please vote. Your views are so important. Take a break from work, or the kids, or the grandkids, make an appointment to make your voice heard.

VOTE.

Avoiding The Blame Game

My name is Mom, and I'm a blamer.

Human Beings are known for several strong instincts. The Survival instinct is one we've all heard about. What about the instinct of a mother to protect her child? Who among us hasn't experienced that one?

There is an instinct, however, that is less well known. It has been passed from parent to child for generations. It is the Blame Instinct.

The Blame instinct is the tendency human beings have to seek out and identify, sometimes quite loudly and passionately, the person or thing directly responsible when things don't go our way.

As a parent, I find that I am constantly battling the blame instinct. I come by it honestly. My parents were great blamers. With six children, Mom and Dad had to sort out some pretty difficult lines of culpability. Often, the responsibility for bad behavior fell upon the oldest child involved in whatever shenanigans we got caught up in. Other times, particularly when something potentially fatal was narrowly avoided, Dad or Mom would assign blame to whomever was closest at hand.

"Dad, there was a fire at school today."

"What?!??"

"Yeah, it was right outside our classroom. We had to escape out the window."

"Oh my God!" Dad would hold me tight, "Why didn't someone call me?!? And what were you doing in that classroom in the first place, young lady?!?!!"

I laugh at myself when, as a parent, I do the same exact thing. Mostly it is a sign of just how frightened I actually am. And if a person is not available, I will even blame an inanimate object.

Last weekend, my daughter fell right next to an upturned rake. Scooping her up, I said loudly "What idiot left the rake on the ground with the tines up?!? She could have put out her eye!"

My husband speaks up. "Honey, weren't you using the rake?"

"Stupid rake." I muttered, bringing my daughter inside. "Rakes should be illegal."

It wouldn't be so funny if it weren't so true. What disturbs me is that I see the same blame tendency coming out in my children. The couch is responsible for a stubbed toe. A broken toy is the fault of the toy itself. It goes on and on.

I must say, that as a thoughtful parent, an educated, mature adult (neither of which I seem to be when danger is present), I don't think blaming serves much purpose. It just makes the blamer feel better or justified. It is rarely an honest search for the origins of the problem and more a case of scapegoating (even if the scapegoat happens to be a rake.) So, I'm trying to be more conscious of it in myself in the hopes that I can teach my children to avoid such an unproductive (and potentially embarrassing) trait.

I am trying to teach my children to take responsibility for what they do. By teaching my children to own up to their actions, I am hoping they will become more aware of the consequences of their behavior.

But I also teach them that sometimes accidents do happen.

I want my children to grow into careful, thoughtful adults, so I am teaching them that the absence of malice does not prevent a person from being hurt. Their first response to any accidental hurt should be to care for the person being hurt. Blame can wait.

It has been interesting to see them minister to each other to heal hurts first, without accidents being turned into a shouting match of, "Watch where you're going!" "It's his fault!" "I didn't mean to!" Just postponing the issue of blame and encouraging my children, regardless of circumstance, to care for one another has been an amazing step for our family.

I have also started to teach my kids that blaming inanimate objects is not productive.

It may feel satisfying sometimes to blame the bike when you fall off, but ultimately lying to yourself by blaming an object isn't helpful. (I've made a concerted effort to remember this one myself.) My children are often seething and angry. I help them to talk about the anger they feel and together we solve the issue of whether or not we can avoid a future hurt.

We are a team, a problem-solving team.

When I put it to them that way, their need to blame often fades to the background. I try to help them feel really listened to in the process of solving problems. I hope that will lay the groundwork for future situations with the potential to be much more serious than a skinned knee or a stubbed toe.

Time will tell where our family goes with the blame instinct. They say admitting the problem is the first step to getting help. It may be, as long as I can teach myself with as much clarity as I seem to be able to teach them.

Wish me luck.


-Midwest Mom

Going Green: Diary of a Lazy Gardener

I will admit it -- this time of year, I am an incredibly lazy gardener.

The gardening season begins so auspiciously for me. As soon as the sun is capable of warming the skin -- even for five minutes in February -- I get the itch to garden. It is as though my mind has a photosynthetic switch. I start going through seed catalogs and digging through last year's hastily stacked seedling trays. I start 8,000 different types of seeds, mostly flowers, but now also vegetables. I get them going under full-spectrum artificial light in the basement, misting them with water 2-3 times a day. My seedlings are like nested eggs waiting to hatch. When they do, I spend the month of April planning exactly how I can possible cram all 7,999 (one didn't germinate; I wonder why?) into my garden.

May is spent hardening seedlings, preparing them for the harsh reality known as the outside world. I introduce them to a lovely thing called sunshine. They usually love it. Around Mother's Day, I am ready to plant. The rest of the month is spent feeding and tending and watering to ease the transition from the crib to the nursery.

June is every gardener's golden month. The first fruits of the garden are harvested with enthusiasm and eaten at the very first opportunity. Flowers abound and the myriad shades of green that greet the eye wherever it may rest are in themselves fulfilling. The weeding is done religiously. There is not a plant out of place.

July is equally abundant, but the heat of the Illinois summer begins to nudge us indoors. The helping hands that had been so willing at planting time would rather be splashing in the pool or waving wildly as my children run through the sprinkler.

In August and September, I finally succumb to the wonder that is summer. My relentless pursuit of weeds, my insistence that watering follow a schedule, my careful measuring of the week's growth are forgotten in favor of the rigors of fun. To weed in August is pure asceticism.

And now September is drawing to a close, and after two months of walking from the house to the car with blinders on -- except to notice the pleasant surprises gardening has to offer, like our many 'volunteer' butterfly bushes or the delicious yellow cherry tomato plant that is flourishing, but that I most certainly did not plant -- I must force myself to open my eyes to the flood of fall garden chores that certainly face me.

This week promises to be a last breath of summer, and I am on the horns of a dilemma. Do I step backward and pretend September never happened? Or do I look at the jumbled chaos that is my late summer garden and dig in to the long work ahead?

I must admit, I am undecided. The idle person inside me could again claw her way to the surface.

Then again, she just might be too lazy to claw. Maybe she'll just mosey.

- Midwest Mom

Chores or No Chores?

... That is the question.

Have you ever visited a friend who works outside the home (and whose children are in daycare) and been really discouraged because their house looks like a page from a magazine? That is so not my house. Why? Umm... we live here. So, sometimes things get messy. When you have three children, that's life, I guess.

Usually, I feel like I can keep up with things. There are those times, though, when I feel like Cinderella minus the Fairy Godmother. Then I think of my own mother, who had six children to chase after, six schedules to keep straight, and six clutter bugs leaving their "droppings" in every room of the house. She's either a Saint or she was crazy -- or both.

But, she had a way to get a little help around the house. It's a little something we like to call chores.

My mom's chore system was a complex affair. It was well-designed for maximum efficiency and completely even distribution of work. She labeled the kitchen chairs with numbers, 1 through 6. Each chair was assigned a household chore, like vacuuming or dusting or cleaning the bathroom, and a kitchen chore, like setting the table or loading the dishwasher. We rotated chairs each week. That way, there could never be the argument that one child "got off easy" or that a "favorite" chore was always assigned to the same child. It worked like clockwork.

But I know myself. A system like hers is completely beyond me. Now that I have my own children, my mom's chore system may as well be advanced particle physics or nuclear engineering. It would be nice to have a fully functioning team of professional cleaners, masquerading as elementary school students. But I don't have the discipline to make it happen. I just parent differently.

This year, I thought, "I have a 7, 5, and almost 3 year old. I need something simple." So, I came up with a more basic system that fits our family's needs (and gives me a little bit of a break!)

As part of our daily routine, we spend a little time at the beginning and end of each day tidying up the house. In the morning, there are chores like vacuuming or sweeping the floor. There are the morning dishes to load in the dishwasher, bathrooms to tidy, laundry to sort. The jobs are different each day, and there are some that lend themselves easily to helping hands. Those are the chores I share with the kids.

When they moan in that sing-songy voice, with a tinge of desperation (you know you've heard it), "WHY do we ALways HAVE to HELP??" I explain that they are members of this family, and I am not the only one who has to work around here -- maybe a little more wicked stepmother than Cinderella in my voice. On their best days, they fall in line and give a little effort.

Once in a while, though, they present me with a golden opportunity that cannot be passed up.

At those times, their response to my chore request will be, "Mom, can I earn some money today?" I make it a practice always to reward initiative. "Yes!" I say, with a smile. "I have four chores that need to be done. Each one will earn you a quarter." How many chores my children take on is up to them. We make a verbal contract for the work, I show them how to do it, and once it is complete, they submit it for inspection. If their work passes muster, I pay them. If they've done an exceptional job, I may give them a bonus. All money they earn goes into their piggy banks.

My oldest son loves to earn money for his bank. He likes the jingle of the coins, so I usually pay him in change. After he has completed his chores, he will count all the money in his bank before putting it away. As a result of his enthusiasm, my 5-year-old is catching on. Often, he will ask to clean, too. I give him chores that are difficult for me, but easy for him -- like crawling under the beds and making sure they are clear of toys and books and whatever else. He likes to use the swiffer, so I will attach a dust cloth to it and send him out after the dust bunnies. We use a lot of Clorox wipes or Pledge wipes. My kids can dust with the best of 'em. Often, they will catch things that I miss -- like the dusty bottom rungs of the dining room chairs. Even my little girl has asked for jobs. I give her basic clean-up jobs like putting all the books on the bookshelf (worth a nickel) or lining up all the shoes in pairs (a dime).

Not every clean-up session is a chance to earn money. The children are responsible for putting their dirty clothes in the laundry and making their beds each morning. When we get up from the table, each child cleans off their own place. Clean clothes must be put into a child's bureau before bedtime. And the children try each day to clean up their toys before Daddy gets home. ... not that that always happens.

When we're cleaning the house, I help where I can and try to keep my youngest focused on the task at hand. From time to time, though, I am busy with one of the other thousands of jobs assigned to me (not earning a dime, I might add.) So, I just give the children a task and set a time-limit. "Clean the playroom, please. I will be back in ten minutes to check your work." I check in on them as the time goes by to help them focus and divide up tasks, but they do the work themselves. It is fun to see how proud they are of having accomplished something without my help.

It's also fun for me to spend less time tidying up after them.

I tell my kids, "we work together so we can play together." As a reward, we'll go to the park or go play in the sprinkler or go on a bike ride.

Does the system work perfectly every time? Of course it doesn't. My house gets messy, just like anyone's. But having the kids help with chores does make me feel a little bit less like Cinderella all the time. I hope it is teaching my children about teamwork, responsibility, and taking pride in their work. I think it is.

Maybe I'll ask them when I'm done cleaning the bathtub.

.

Pregnancy Pact: Are these girls NUTS?!?

I read about a group of girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts, yesterday who apparently have taken leave of their senses. Maybe they thought the movie Juno was a documentary. Maybe they still believe in unicorns. Who knows? But these girls decided that getting pregnant as a teenager was in. It was "the thing to do"... The newspaper said they took "a pregnancy pact". I say they had a very bad case of "the stupids."

To you girls who think teen pregnancy is the way to go, here's what you can count on for the next 9 months - 20 years.

1. Body Changes: You will grow, jiggle, and ache in places you never knew you had. A pregnant belly can be beautiful, yes -- but afterward, it ain't so pretty. You are probably done with bikinis after this. If you nurse, guess what? The "boost" you get in the bra-line will eventually go away, and those puppies won't salute the sun in the same way ever again.
2. Your life is no longer your own: When you are pregnant, every choice you make effects the child in your body. Guess what? THAT'S THE EASY PART. After the baby is born, every choice you make effects the child outside your body. Let's see.... you're 17 or 18 now. So, you'll be about 38 years old by the time this child is fully out on their own. (Wow. You're old.) But you'll still be young, right? And you'll finally be free! ...That is, until you realize that the stupids are hereditary, in which case they'll be calling you Grandma at 38.
3. Your Relationships will change: In the movies, there is a compassionate family that surrounds a pregnant young woman. There is something so pitiful about her that it seems wrong to hold a grudge. But there will be people in your life who will not be able to handle this. Friends without children will go on with their normal lives. Sure, you have had the good sense to get pregnant with 17 buddies... but my guess is you will have a blast experiencing post partum depression together. The sleep deprivation that comes with a new baby will not make you the easiest person to get along with. This won't be an all night slumber party -- motherhood is relentless, and you will be changed by it.
4. I'm not even going to go into labor. That can be your happy little surprise.
5. Responsibility Begins Now: You have chosen to embark on the adult portion of your life sooner rather than later. That means you are now the head of a family. You will have to find a way to earn money for it. (I tell ya, blogging doesn't pay the bills, sweetheart.) You will have to worry about earning money for yourself and your child, and you may have to go on assistance to do it. But, check your pride at the door, because a good mother will do whatever is necessary to guarantee a good life for her child. And clothes, food, and all the wonderful things your parents have given you were not free.

Perhaps you think that I am painting a dark picture, or that I was not ready for my own children. Well, I will say now what few women will admit -- no one is fully ready. Motherhood is as different from your girlish youth as living on Mars is different from Earth. I waited until I was 28 to have my first child, and even then I don't think I knew what I was getting into. I look at myself now, at how happy I am in this role and how well my children are growing and I feel so grateful. Because entering motherhood was like passing through a wall of fire -- it was truly difficult and changed the core of who I am. I will never be the person I was. I will always be connected to my children -- old, young, sick, well, living, dying, and even after they have passed away. They are a part of me and always will be. Everything I experience is seen through the lens of being their mother.

You will learn this.

Good luck girls,

Midwest Mom