The Waiting game...

I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.

~Albert Einstein

My kids are on fall vacation...

We've had virtually non-stop rain for the past two weeks...

Which means...

I'm in competition for control of every moment of my day.

Any time I even contemplate sitting down for a moment of peace and reflection, a four-year old needs to go to the bathroom or is desperate for a wardrobe change... or a 6 year old wants me to see his cool spaceship or prepare a snack... or an 8 year old wants to bake something together or fix something frivolous vital that's just broken... Then, there's the inevitable bickering that results from the same people sharing the same space for tens of gray-weather days.

I give the kids their choice of limited screen time each day, but this much rain has been a real challenge. On the rare occasions when the weather has been nice, I've run the kids outdoors as fast as I possibly can -- just to get them (and me!) moving.

To be honest, I've missed my writing a great deal. When I do have a silent moment, my ears are ringing from the noise.

I've never been one to wish my children back to school or anything, so I'm going to whisper this really quietly...

I want my solitude back.

Even just a little bit would be nice. A few hours a day to think and to write and to be master of my own destiny.

I want to be able to make decisions without being questioned about why I'm doing what I'm doing. I want a solid hour when no one is peppering me with questions about the nature of the universe and, alternately, what we are having for supper in five hours. I want to pretend there is a hierarchy of necessary information, where all questions do not demand an immediate explanation.

I am tired of complaining. Complaints are the frustrated spirit's attempt at reflection. But it takes time to break through the negativity and the cooped-up feeling.

Time is what I do not have.

So, I'll tread water and wait. And I'll grab a few moments, like this one, to put my thoughts into words...

And I'll ask -- how do you claim time when life is too busy? When you're waiting for the schedule to clear?

- Midwest Mom

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And if, like me, you're in desperate need of rainy day activities, here's a fun resource: Spaghetti Box Kids. Keep it in your pantry -- you never know when you may need it.

Shifting Gears: From Discipline to Self-Discipline

I had an interesting conversation with my husband today. He remarked that my parenting is changing in an interesting way. I said I hadn't noticed. In truth, maybe I have.

When I first became a parent, a trusted older friend who had already raised her children gave me a book by T. Berry Brazelton called Touchpoints. I loved the book's approach to varying child temperaments and its description of developmental stages. But what I took special pains to implement was Brazelton's approach to child discipline. The goal of discipline, as I understood his explanation, was to lead a child to self-discipline. That is to say, to give a child tools to operate successfully in the world and to own his or her own decision-making in a conscious way.

When I was growing up (sorry, Mom and Dad) the only goals of discipline that I could discern were maintaining order and showing who was in charge.

I will admit, there was a learning curve for me. As a young mother I lost my cool more than once. There were times that I had to stop myself from reacting to a situation or an undesirable behavior just to show I was still the boss. But, I have learned to be more detached and to understand my children's choices as exactly that -- their choices.

Fast forward to today's conversation. My husband observed that I have been giving my oldest child a "longer leash" when it comes to his temper. He has been easily frustrated lately, and sometimes it seems that his emotions are bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to burst out at a moment's notice.

Experience tells me that heightened emotions are par for the course during the first part of the school year. Schedules are changing and so are relationships. With so much up in the air in my children's lives, it's no wonder that they choose home as their safe place to let their emotions fly.

But in a way, I can see my husband's point. I have been shifting gears on discipline with our oldest. Maybe I'm waiting for him to find his feet on his own. Maybe I'm hoping that the ever-elusive self-discipline will kick in. Maybe I understand that I can't muscle him into a place where he has full emotional control at all times.

I'm not even in that place yet.

I explained as much to my husband. And he gave me a raised-eyebrow look of appreciation. "You may be right," he admitted. "Let's just wait and be supportive."

So now we wait and help and express our confidence in our son. I'm hoping this year will be an important one for him -- a time he'll look back at and recognize that his parents started giving him more responsibility and more credit for making his own choices.

I suppose we'll see if this was the right time to shift gears.

- Midwest Mom

Resilience

resilient: adj. capable of resuming its shape, position, etc. after being subjected to stress, elastic. [from the Latin, resiliens, resilire, to spring back]

I often say it is my goal to raise independent, resilient children. As a Mom, though, it's hard to gauge how resilient I actually am.

At first, the relentless physical and emotional demands of caring for a tiny baby, of being responsible for his well-being, even feeding him from my very self, was a shock. It took a good six weeks for me to come to terms with the fact that motherhood was a 24 hour per day job. Until I did, resilience eluded me.

But with time and help, I adjusted. That first stretching into the new shape of motherhood almost broke me, but didn't. To my surprise I found I had a stronger, more flexible core than I imagined.

I have come to love being a Mom. And I have learned that this process of stretching, reaching, snapping back occurs on multiple levels over days, weeks, even years. Every childhood phase, medical scare or job worry pulls at me. In time each stress passes. I adjust and make my way again.

My life as a Mom has its undisputed high points. I had a few moments on Easter day when I stood fully in the warm sunbeam of familial love. When I felt the perfection of the day and of our life. It couldn't have felt better. What a contrast from those first difficult days.

There are lows as well, sometimes right on the heels of the highs.

On Monday, I was pounded by relentless waves of bickering. The children clawed through their last day of vacation by finding innovative ways to annoy and betray one another. I grew tired of the rancor. It was an assault to my spirit and my senses.

The sole piece of mail I received that day was a one-line rejection of a resume I had submitted to a local non-profit. It was for a job I knew I could do, was excited about, was hopeful for. Despite my skills, background, and stellar references, they didn't even interview me.

Talk about bruised pride.

It was a sad end to a difficult day.

I fumbled my way through supper and put the children to bed. My husband, seeing my disappointment, was quiet. He brought me tea and asked about my plans for the evening.

I was nestled in a blanket in a cozy corner of the couch, but three full baskets of clean, unfolded laundry glared at me from across the room. I gave them a nod, "tackle those, I guess."

"Nonsense. Wait here." Moments later, he left the house.

It was the nudge I needed to give myself a reprieve from the housework. I looked over the letter again and took guilty pleasure in finding a spelling mistake.

I was content with the quiet until my husband returned. "You need a distraction," he told me as he popped in a DVD.

It was Beverly Hills Cop. He knew just what would brighten my mood. Vintage Eddie Murphy.

I was so grateful for him. We talked into the night and I confessed my feelings.

The worst part of it was that I knew at least ten different ways I would have been able to help this non-profit do its work more effectively. He listened carefully and told me it was their loss that they hadn't given me a chance. The fact that theirs is a cause I care about just made the rejection harder to take.

It has forced me to face the question: How resilient am I?

My caring spouse gave me a pretty good bounce back in the attitude department. But the professional side remains unresolved.

I am a woman of action, impatient with waiting for others' approval. Maybe it's time to make my own opportunities. I may have been stretched, but I haven't shattered, right?

So I'll take some time to rethink, reset my priorities, and make a plan of action. Through the process, maybe the way forward will reveal itself.

There are times when I want to break instead of springing back.

Then I tell myself today is not the day for breaking.

It's not what Moms do.

- Midwest Mom

We Don't Grow Couch Potatoes

Time for a true confession: we are TV minimalists.

Part of our parenting is to set limits on "screen time" for both television and the computer. We don't have a Wii or other video game systems, either. We've made that as a conscious choice, not because we think those things are evil or anything... just because we recognize that electronics can sometimes be time-suckers. If you're not careful, it can be easy to lose yourself in a game for longer than you want.

(My husband, for instance, went over to his brother's house last night to pick something up "real quick" and came back 45 minutes later. "Sorry," he admitted, "I got drawn into a game of Lego StarWars." I laughed.)

Video games have a way of bringing out the geeky teenager in a man.

But, I digress. We do set limits on television in our home, and we only let our children watch programs that we approve. There is some great, fun programming out there for kids. There is also some awful stuff masquerading as children's programming. We find it best to make our best choices and pass them along to our kids.

Some choices are no-brainers.

The Cartoon Network is out.

PBS Kids is in.
(My daughter actually will open our DVD cupboard and ask for a video by saying, "Can I watch some PBS kids?")

On PBS, our favorites are DragonTales, Word World, Arthur, CyberChase, and Design Squad. On the weekends, the kids might choose Thomas & Friends (an old favorite) or Anamalia (a new favorite.) It makes me chuckle to think that my boys also like Wishbone, a program that was on when I was growing up. (No, I would never share that... it would be instant poison for poor Wishbone.)

I love programs that have a language-component. So, I will let the kids watch Dora the Explorer and Go! Diego, Go! or Kai-Lin on Nickelodeon. We also love the music and imagination of The Backyardigans and WonderPets. They are fun programs that allow my children to stay in tough with their silly streak (without constantly relying on potty humor for a laugh a la CN.)

What I find as I parent is that my husband and I have different standards about television programs. I like more 'gentle' programs that teach a lesson. He's more, well, edgy -- especially with what he will let the boys watch. I remember him excitedly saying one rainy Saturday that there was a Loony Tunes marathon on. Thus, my children were introduced to cartoon characters with dynamite and animals hitting each other with 2x4s.

"Dad sure likes fun stuff!" my son observed, approvingly. Yep, he sure does. Thank goodness for Daddy, I thought. I mean, a childhood without Loony Tunes, is hardly American, right?

Because we aren't crazy about advertisements, we rely a lot on DVDs. (My daughter frequently gets angry about ads, because she wants her program back. I feel her pain.) Our video collection includes Franklin videos, Blues Clues, Dora, Winnie the Pooh, Bambi, and the Nick Jr. Favorites videos with one episode each of 4 or 5 different series. We also have Disney movies galore -- great for rainy afternoons!

Our collection is decidedly on the preschooler side of the age spectrum. I don't mind, because as my guys have gotten older, they have been less interested in watching a 30 minute video and more excited about having a Friday night Movie Night.

Ours usually look like this.

We do have a ball, I must admit.


But, I like to avoid this as much as possible.

(She's zoned out in front of Backyardigans.)

I take the fetal position as a sign that TV time needs to come to an end. Life is too precious to let it slip by while you're inside watching television. Today, the weather will get up to 70 degrees where we live, so we've got some serious outside playtime ahead!

Our TV-watching principles can be summed up like this:

~ Set Time Limits for Viewing

~ Make Choices that Reflect Your Parenting

~ Offer a Variety of Programs

~ Avoid Advertising when Possible, and

~ Don't let TV get in the way of Living LIFE!


Good luck making your own choices. The role television plays in your family life is up to you.


- Midwest Mom

Kids & Media: Getting Started

As a 21st century mom, one of my biggest challenges has been teaching my children about media and technology. I know I am not the only Mom who struggles to navigate the sea of information out there. Sometimes it seems like our children are bombarded by media in too many aspects of their lives, from too early an age.

I remember being horrified that friends would sit their infants in front of Baby Einstein for "stimulation".

I thought, "Stimulation?!? Isn't that what playing with the baby is supposed to do?"

Now that my youngest is three and my oldest approaches 8 years old, I have had to make hard choices about everything from what kind of television they can watch, how much TV is healthy, how old is "old enough" to start using the computer, and how to choose software and internet sites for my kids that are both fun and safe.

For us, the "ground rules" are:

1. Parents are the decision-makers in our home, so we have a very low tolerance for child-based marketing that presumes to sell something to our children. We will almost always opt for products or programs that do not have an advertising component.

2. Whatever my children view or play on the computer must have some learning value. It should provide something that 'real life' does not. In my opinion, diversion or entertainment is not enough to justify spending "screen time". So, with few exceptions, we don't engage in 'virtual' activities, like gardening or pet care, that would be better learned in a real setting.

3. I supervise what my children watch and what they play on the computer. I do not expect a 6 year old to have the judgment to know what is best; that is my job.

4. I never use the TV or the computer to be my babysitter. We set limits on the amount of time a child is allowed to be in front of a screen (30 minutes a day, tops.) Screen time is only allowed after other obligations around the house (homework or chores) are met, and each child must make choices about how he or she will spend the allotment.

5. We don't tolerate media that reinforces bad behavior. That means we don't watch violent movies or play violent games. Ditto with foul language (or, honestly, even 'edgy' language.) I consider it my duty to protect my children, so I don't expose them to the rough edges of the world. They'll get enough of that stuff just by living -- we don't need to beam it into our home.

As my guidelines probably telegraph loud and clear, I tend to be fairly conservative in what I allow. As the week goes on, I hope to share more about television, learning software, and the internet, including tips and safe site recommendations.

But, for now, what are your starting principles for your children and media? What are your ground rules?



- Midwest Mom