How to Avoid Thanksgiving Stress

As a mom, I always view big holidays like Thanksgiving with a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

There are a few kinds of preparation that will save both parents and children a few holiday headaches. Packing extra clothes for your children or allowing them to change into their pajamas for the long ride home are great ideas. Giving your children nutritious snacks before going to the big family meal (with lots of strange foods they've never seen before) can take the stress out of whether they're eating or not. Reminding yourself that Thanksgiving is one day out of 365 can help keep the day in perspective.

Still, there are some parts of Thanksgiving that are bound to cause some stress. Here are a few parenting hints to keep in mind.
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Control Your Expectations:

As soon as you arrive at your holiday gathering, there will be a whole host of introductions to be made. Please remember that relatives you know but your children don't feel like strangers to them. A crowd of unfamiliar faces can be very stressful -- especially when an introduction is followed by unreasonable expectations. We've all heard introductions like this one (or been the victim of them):

-Lucy, this is your Great Aunt Doris! The last time she saw
you, you were in diapers!

-Aunt Doris, Lucy was the lead in the school play this year.

-She was a rutabaga.

-Why don't you say your lines for Aunt Doris, dear?

-C'mon! She'd love to hear them!

-Louder, honey, Aunt Doris can't hear very well....

-Oh, well, at the actual play, she didn't forget her lines like that,
Aunt Doris.

-Hmm? Oh! Yes, of course she'll give you a kiss.

-Lucy, kiss Aunt Doris.

-I don't care what she smells like, kiss her! Oh, goodness. Why
on earth are you crying? [Lucy runs away.]

-Sorry, Aunt Doris...

I have found it is best to give children a chance to "make friends" with new relatives in whatever way they are most comfortable. Sometimes that means that it will take time to warm up to someone new.

When you are introducing someone to your child, do so in a way that reveals important information about the new adult -- not potentially embarrassing information about your child. Saying, "Aunt Doris used to fly airplanes!" can intrigue your child and get them to ask questions.

Another way to introduce older relatives is to make the family relationship plain. Tell Lucy that Aunt Doris is Danny's Grandma or Great Grandpa's sister. Then, sit back and let your child find his or her own way to relate to Aunt Doris. It may not happen right away, but over the course of the night, your child might surprise you.

We usually make the introductions easier on our kids in two ways. We arrive early, so they're meeting people one-at-a-time. And we arrange to meet relatives we know well and all walk in together. It can be a lot less intimidating to meet people when you are already surrounded by friends.
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Keep the Schedule in Mind:

If yours is a family with a definite routine -- naps at a certain time, dinner at a certain time, etc. -- then family holidays can throw a wrench in the works. When you're planning your day, think about your children's schedule.

If you're nursing a newborn or you have a child who will need a nap, talk to your hosts in advance about setting aside some "quiet space" that won't be violated. When we were first married, we were guests of my husband's parents for more than one holiday. They were always so thoughtful when I asked for a little "retreat space" for the baby and me. Usually, I could go to a quiet guest room when the baby needed to eat or sleep, or when I could tell that the baby was feeling stressed by all the noise. Sometimes a little quiet was what we both needed to refresh.

Now that my children are older, my husband's mother still keeps one room as a quiet room for those times that the kids need a break or a rest. Making space away from the action can be just enough to help your children manage the holiday schedule without a major breakdown.

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Keep Private Matters Private:

The biggest source of parent stress at the holidays (besides what your brother's new wife will think when she sees Uncle Martin drunk) is how very public our parenting of our children becomes.

Holiday parenting can sometimes be initially lax (when you ask yourself "why on earth isn't someone stopping this behavior??!??") Then, as you watch cousin Harold try to feed popcorn to the new baby and decide you must be the one to step in and stop it, you are startled by the blur that is cousin Harold's dad moving at superhuman speed to LOUDLY and with a scowl that would frighten the most hardened criminal shout at his son WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?? CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S JUST A BABY?!??! I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD BE BEHAVING SO BADLY IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE! GET YOUR COAT ON, MISTER, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO THE CAR RIGHT NOW!!!

Whew. What a nightmare. Please be sure that isn't you. I'll do the same.

I know it can be tempting to just let the kids be kids when there is a large group, but my husband and I always are sure to keep a close eye on how ours are behaving throughout the holiday visit. If I find that one of my children is having trouble keeping his hands to himself or following the other basic rules of happy play, I pull him or her aside into a separate room (usually pointing to the offending child and saying, "come with me, please") and I parent them firmly, but privately. That way, I can get my point across without distraction or drama and my child feels respected, not embarrassed, and has a chance to 'reboot'. When we're both ready -- sometimes I wait even 10 minutes if necessary -- then we can rejoin the group.

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Don't forget to Laugh:

This was a lesson taught to me by my sister-in-law. She is a terrific laugher -- even in the face of the worst circumstances.

Imagine, your family is seated at your Grandmother's formal dining room table with place settings of her finest china and silver and guests dressed in their Thanksgiving best. You look over to make conversation with your sister's new fiance and are distracted by the fact that he seems to be looking past you. As you slowly turn your head, you take in the aghast expressions of your Grandmother, your parents, Uncle Bernard, Aunt Ruthie, and every other family member present at the Thanksgiving feast.

"What ever could they be looking at?" you wonder to yourself. Then "oh, no!" flashes through your mind.

Your head snaps to your two-year-old smearing mashed potatoes and gravy all over his face and hair. In the ten seconds you looked away to make conversation, he has managed to fling cranberry sauce across the room and onto Cousin Larry's toupee. He is now filling his nose with sweet baby peas and blowing them as far as he can. (Your brother is laughing. For a fraction of a second, you aim your darkest thoughts at his future progeny.)

What do you do?

You politely say, "excuse me" and remove your child from the room. Your loving husband offers to help. "Save a plate for me. Okay?" you ask, and he agrees. You spend the next twenty minutes bathing your little rascal.

Don't forget to laugh.

That's the worst-case scenario. Even if it happens -- which it won't -- it is nothing you can't handle. Just, as you deal with even the worst of circumstances, don't forget to laugh.

Today's tragic behavior will be a hilarious family story... someday. But only if you can bring yourself to deal with it gracefully. So, deal with it... and laugh, even if you have to laugh so hard, you cry.

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And finally,

Be Thankful.

If you remember how lucky you are to have a loving family, the craziness doesn't seem to matter so much. If you remember to be grateful for a roof over your head and healthy children and warmth and laughter, then the bumps in the road can seem smaller. Take the time to appreciate the people around you and let them know how much you care about them. Do that, and the Thanksgiving stress will seem to melt away.

(Oh... and a little drink won't hurt, either...)



- Midwest Mom

Kids Sports: Stop the Insanity!

Let's face it, any parent who has an athletic child has been witness to some of the most lunatic parenting on the face of the planet. We've all seen it . Sometimes it's the librarian who becomes more argumentative than a crack addict on steroids. It could be the lawyer who paces the sidelines barking orders at their child (or, God forbid, other children). Or, yes, even a full-time mom can find herself suddenly incapable of recognizing her child's strengths or accepting a compliment on their child's behalf, answering with a list of shortcomings instead of a smile and a thank-you. Sports can make grown-ups into crazy people.

I have to admit, I teeter on the edge of lunacy myself. One thing is for sure, I am one of the loudest parents on the sideline. I just can't help myself -- I love watching my kids play. But I sometimes wonder whether other parents are looking at me sideways, wondering, "Who is that lady?!?" I convince myself that volume alone doesn't make me an obnoxious sports parent (does it?)

Just to be sure, I try to follow a few guidelines to stave off a case of the crazies:

Keep It Positive -- If you are an involuntary yeller (like I am), make sure you're yelling out something you can be proud of later. Saying "good job" or "nice try" or "you can do it" is always better than saying something insulting or letting out a groan if things don't go your way. You are your children's best source of encouragement. You are also their best example of good sportsmanship.

Practices are for Coaching and Games are for Fans -- Your first job on the sideline of your child's game is to be their fan. I always send my sons onto the field with a smile and a twinkling eye. "Have fun! I can't wait to watch you play!" I say as they run to meet their team. Giving your child the gift of unqualified support can make a tremendous difference for them. (I'll admit there was a learning curve for me on this one. I used to use the last 5 minutes before a game to review "teaching points" from practice, but I have truly found that only made my child more self-conscious about his play. But when I assure him that he's my favorite player on the team, he glows. As a result, his head and heart are in the game, from start to finish.)

Keep your Expectations in Line -- I remember when my son started soccer at age 4. It was all we could do to get the team kicking the ball in the right direction. Still, there were parents who questioned the coach or worried excessively about whether the team was winning enough. I felt like explaining that this wasn't the World Cup, it was pee-wee soccer! In retrospect, I doubt that would have made much difference. Still, a dose of perspective is never unwarranted. Focus on your child's own skills. They don't have to be Ronaldhino or A-Rod or Kevin Garnett to be your favorite player. Let them be who they are and love them for that.

Be Even-handed with Praise -- We all know that as a parent, our first concern is our own child. But getting to know your child's team-mates and giving them a cheer when they make a great play reinforces to your child what it means to be a team. Athletics is about making friends as much as it is about individual accomplishment. So, get to know the other parents on the sidelines and spread your positive comments around.

Because I am such a loud fan, I usually try to look over my shoulder and make sure I'm not bothering anyone. I also cheer when the opposing team makes a great play. There is nothing wrong with recognizing excellence, regardless of which team shows it. And I find that positivity can be contagious... even among die-hard athletic parents.

So, remember, sports are meant to be an opportunity to learn and have fun! If you focus on the really enjoying the game, your child will too.

That's always a good thing.

- Midwest Mom

Saving the Best for Last

Mom must be another word for rotten egg, because I am always the last one to the car.

My own mother suffered from the same problem. There were six children in my family, and my father is a compulsive early-bird. We would get ready and be sitting down for Easter Mass 90 minutes before it was ready to begin. We showed up to high-school graduations while they were still setting up the chairs on the lawn. We got sunburn from staking out a good spot for Fourth of July fireworks "nice and early."

Still, when I was a kid my Dad always jokingly complained about always having to wait for my mother. He would say that Mom had a psychological 'trigger' like Pavlov's dog -- all we had to do was say the word “Car” and she would have to go to the bathroom. He would have us all buckled up and the car running in the driveway, and she still wouldn't emerge from the house for at least five more minutes. Now that I am a mom of 3, I finally understand why.

When we are planning to go out, whether it is to go to church or the zoo or a ballgame or school, I start out like my father and end up like my mother.

The compulsive early-bird in me starts getting people ready at least 30 minutes before it is time to leave. My style is half caring mother, half paratrooper Captain. (Go! Go! Go!)

• I check to make sure no one is dirty. I make sure no one looks like a clown (non-matching clothes), a hobo (holes in the pants), a zookeeper (what's that smell?), or an auto-mechanic (stains from who knows where).
• I remind everyone to go to the restroom and to comb their hair.
• I help them find their missing barrette, jacket, sock, or shoe. I help them button, zip, buckle, and tie. If it’s cold, I find matching hats and mittens. If it’s rainy, I get the umbrellas.
• I pack a bag with snacks, water, wipes, hand sanitizer, more snacks.
• I tell them what toys they can and can’t bring (no, you may not bring the super-soaker in the car).

When I am finished, there are three tidy children lined up and waiting by the door. We are usually ready in plenty of time to make it to our destination with room to spare. The early-bird time-buffer remains intact. (If you are an early-bird, you know what I mean.)

30 seconds before it is time to go, my husband puts his shoes on and gets his keys. (Where has he been for the last half hour?)

Finally, once everyone is ready to go, I look at myself in the mirror. And magically, as they walk out the door, I transform into my mother.

It's amazing how getting it all done for the rest of the family can make you look like you've just been through a train wreck. It is equally amazing how consistently I choose to use the early-bird buffer to my own advantage. As my husband takes the family down the driveway to get into the car, I take a few minutes to do everything for myself that I just did for everyone else.

It is wonderfully refreshing to get yourself ready, wash your face, put on some lipstick, comb your hair, change that shirt that has remnants of your two-year-old's last meal, and yes use the restroom -- in silence. In that few minutes, I find I am able to relax and refresh. It feels good to turn over the task of strapping in the children to my husband. The house is so peaceful when there's no one else in it.

Do I care that the rest of the family is pondering my mysterious disappearance from their midst? Do I mind that they might be waiting at the edge of impatience? No, not really.

I do not rush. Instead, I give myself a few moments of peace. And when I finally walk to the car, I do not hurry nor do I apologize. I just make a modest entrance.

If I’m lucky, I’ll get a “Well, you don't you look nice…”

"Thank you," I say as I slip into the passenger seat. I think we'll arrive right on time.

-Midwest Mom

Frankie Says: RELAX

I wish I knew someone named Frankie...

This week was like running the gauntlet for me. It was and still is exhausting. In fact, I am having a difficult time just getting myself to relax because I am still hyped-up from being so over-scheduled. My mind and body are going a mile a minute.

Which makes me ask -- If I feel this way, how must my children feel?

To help us all chill out a bit, we have had a completely unscheduled weekend. In fact, all of the kids are napping right now (how jealous am I?) And I am finally sitting down to write. What a relief.

You may ask, how do I ever get them to nap? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't.

The boys, ages 5 and 7, will never lay down for a nap, even when they are tired. I understand why not. After all, they are older and don't need to sleep like they did when they were younger. But, there are days when I know they're exhausted. And they're looking at me with that "I'm not tired!" look. There will be no nap.

I explain to them that I understand they are big and they don't need to nap. But, it's important to work in a little quiet time. I don't call it a nap; I just call it "a rest" and I set a timer on the kitchen stove. When they hear the buzzer, they can get up. Sometimes they do, and we've all had 30 minutes of rest and go on with our afternoon fun. But sometimes (like today) they're so focused on listening for that buzzer that they drift off to sleep.

I look at their sleeping as a sign that they needed the rest anyway. But the important part is that their bodies told them it was time to sleep -- not me. And the side-benefit is that I get a little quiet in the middle of my day, whether they fall asleep or not.

Even Frankie would agree that's a good thing.