Getting Ready for the Freak Show

Yesterday afternoon I opened up our box of Halloween decorations. It is always fun to do, but never more than when the costumes and masks come out of the box.

A few years ago, I purchased a pack of 20 masks that was on clearance. It's nothing too scary; there are animals and monster-movie monsters like Frankenstein and a werewolf. They are made out of craft foam. We bring them out about a week before Halloween, just to get the kids psychologically ready for the freak-show that will come straight to our front door.

I will never forget my oldest son's first Halloween. His teeth were starting to come in, so I made him a black satin cape with red lining and painted a red onesie turtleneck with the words "Baby Dracula." I was so proud of him, and incredibly eager to have him with me when I handed out candy at our front door.

Unfortunately, he was just starting into the "stranger anxiety" phase. When the first trick-or-treater came to our front door, I went temporarily deaf in my left ear. The next day, my neighbor Janet joked that our house was the spookiest. "The screaming was so realistic."

After that, I decided to spend a little time preparing the kids before the big day. We make lots of opportunities for them to wear their costumes or experiment with new ones. Sometimes they choose to scare each other or just to play together. But after a while, even the scaring becomes playful. Last night, one of my sons wore a tiger mask with Dracula teeth and bugged-out googly-eye glasses. It was a hoot.

So, if you happen to come by our place anytime in the next week, don't be surprised to find some pretty spooky looking creatures. I've seen a mummy wandering around here someplace. He even had toilet paper wrapped around his head.

Creepy.

- Midwest Mom

We all have Clingons from Time to Time

Recently, a friend of mine asked a question about her 18 month-old and the issue of "clinging". You know what I mean -- when you bring your brood to that family gathering and there is one child who must be surgically detached from your leg. Or when your name is called desperately throughout the house because you dared to go down to the laundry room and switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

"Whew! Mom! I didn't know where you WERE!"

Yes. It happens to all of us.

While I can't claim to have an instant solution to a case of the Clingons, I can make a few suggestions:

1) Play games about absence. Believe it or not, games like Peek-a-Boo and indoor Hide-And-Seek really do teach young children to cope with being alone, even for short periods of time. The more your child can "play" with the issue of their independence, the easier it will be for them to handle your everyday need for space.

2) Start with short absences. By telling your child where you are going -- even in the house -- and when you will be back, you are teaching them to trust that you mean what you say and that you will, in fact, come back. A very young child does need to know that your disappearance into the kitchen to make dinner will not be permanent abandonment. At the same time, parents should understand that children may not like it when you are not there. (That comes much later, believe me!) If you are gentle, reassuring, and consistent in informing them about what to expect, you will help them prepare for longer absences like doctor's appointments, lunch with a friend, or (dare-I-say-it) a date with Daddy.

3) Build trust in other people. Sometimes, there can be an enormous emotional payoff in being your child's "one-and-only". Comforting a crying child by taking him or her from Daddy or Auntie or Grandma is not always the best option. This is especially true when a young child shows a preference for one parent over the other. It can be very easy for "the favorite" to play the role of comforter. But it may be better to stand aside and let your child build a stronger bond with others. Saying, "You're fine. Daddy's going to give you your bath today." or "I'm right here, but Grandma's going to read a story. Let's listen together," is a great way to reassure your child.

When you show your trust in others' ability to care for your child, you set a powerful example for your baby about trust itself. When you practice "sharing" your child with other caring adults, you give him or her a zone of comfort and let them know they have more than one person to rely on. That lesson will stay with them as they grow older and enter a day care or school situation.

4.) Approach big occasions with sensitivity. Of course, meeting 50 people at a family reunion is intimidating. That's why even some adults shy away from those gatherings! We have made a practice of going to big events with friends or cousins that our children really know. Approaching a crowd with friends alongside helps to make meetings easier. We also plan to arrive early, so that new people are introduced one at a time. And we stay only as long as our schedule allows -- not until our children are out of their minds with tiredness.

The more practice your child gets at handling your absence or meeting new people, the more confident he or she can become at her own independence. I have one child, in particular, who went through a prolonged shy phase, right when entering preschool. It helped to introduce one friend at a time each day we were at school. When my child focused on only one new friend every day or two, we soon found that there was a whole class full of friends to enjoy.

- Midwest Mom

Laundry Tip: Keeping White Clothes White

My mother taught me this trick when I was getting ready to have my first child. She used it for the infamous "diaper load". I was under the delusion that I was going to put my newborn in cloth diapers. (ha!)

After changing four outfits a day for the first week, I was blessed with a friend who told me that using cloth was environmentally equivalent to using disposable. (Thank you,
Arun D'Souza!) Did I check the science on that one? No! I just gratefully gave myself permission to switch.

In certain cases, my environmentalism is trumped by practicality.

So, if you are a mom who is using cloth diapers, my hat is off to you. If on the other hand, you have boys to keep track of (I have two) and those boys happen to go to a school that requires uniforms (particularly, white shirts), I have news. The same trick that works for diapers will keep those shirts looking like the day you bought them.

The trick is to use the temperature settings on your washer.
I'll explain.

My boys have found new and exciting ways to stain their clothing. During the first week of school, I have washed out grass stains, blood, mud, chocolate milk, pizza splat, cherry juice, Popsicle drippings, greasy hand-prints and ice cream.

You may wonder how this is possible.
They are boys. Anything is possible.

So, to do battle with their mess (at least the laundry mess) I start by treating their shirts as I sort the laundry. I use Shout Gel. It has a little brush on top to work the stain remover into the stains and it is thick enough to stay on the stain as the clothes get washed. I've tried other brands and even thinner versions of Shout. Trust me, get the gel.

I then put all the whites in the washer and wash them with just detergent (no bleach) in COLD water. Why start with cold? Protein stains, like blood, milk, or grass need cold water to work loose from the fibers of your clothes. If you wash in hot water before these stains are out, the heat will set the stain and make a permanent mark on the shirt.

When you hear your washer spinning out the cold water to start the rinse cycle, switch the heat setting to HOT and reset your washer back to the beginning of the wash cycle. Then pour your bleach into your washer's bleach cup, but use no more detergent. The hot water will get out any grease-based stains (i.e. pizza splat!) and the bleach will whiten the whole load.

I know this method uses an extra tub of water. But, if you're a parent washing school uniforms, it really is the way to go. And, according to my own mom, there's no better way to take care of those nasty cloth diapers, either.

Good luck with it!
Remember, we're in this together!

Midwest Mom

Time for Me: the Sisterhood of Moms

I desperately need a haircut. I have for at least three weeks. I have made (and cancelled) at least two appointments already. Because it's summer, I fool myself into thinking the pony tail holder is okay.

But glamorous, it is not.

This is one of the awful truths of my life, and maybe, of any Mom's life... We are constantly making time for everyone else's priorities, but when it comes to taking care of *ourselves*, we are pitiful.

I know a woman who folds everyone else's clothes, but dresses herself out of a basketful of clean laundry.

I know a woman who paints her daughters' toenails on a weekly basis, but when I gave her a gift certificate to go get a pedicure, it took her a whole year to use it.

And then there's me... with my quarterly haircut.

Lately, I've been asked for advice from three new moms I know. All are about 6 months in to first-time mothering. And all are at their wits end. They fret about fussiness and fevers, they wonder if they should worry about their child's weight, teething, which foods are best, how much formula to give. And of course, there are the diapers.

I've told each of them the same things.

1) Every first-time mom worries about exactly the same things you are. When we say, "Relax! Take time for yourself!" Don't believe that we're taking our own advice. Because the only way any of us learned what to worry about and not to worry about was to worry about everything in the beginning. If there is a brand new mom who is not asking the questions you are, guess what? They are not as good a mom as they imagine.

2) With that said, "Relax! Take time for yourself!" Ha.

No, seriously. I think one of the best things I ever found was that if I could take even 15 minutes to do something independent -- that made me feel like the strong woman I was before "the transformation," I felt so much better about life in general. For every person, this is a different thing.

For my own mother, it was a hot bath. I remember once or twice a week, her locking herself in the upstairs bathroom and coming out with a face as red as cooked lobster and smelling like perfume. Afterward, there was nothing that we six (yes, I said six) children could do that could bother her. She was restored.

For me, it is the time I take in my garden. You may wonder how weeding or planting or watering can help me... I'll tell you. It is the silence of it. My children are all of the age where they can play in the yard while I work. But, spending time in the garden a few times each week can bring me back from the edge. I like tending something living, solving solvable problems, and enjoying the benefits of growing something truly beautiful. There are no lasting consequences there, and I like that.

So, when I say "Relax! Take time for yourself!" understand that it may only be 5 or 10 minutes a day at first. People don't understand that a new mom has to remind herself to shower and dress in the morning. Do it, and do it faithfully.

3.) You will make mistakes. Be sure to be as gentle and forgiving with yourself as you plan to be with your child.

Every mom I know has had times when she thought she was the worst mother in the world. I remember, when my oldest was about three months old, I nicked his finger while cutting his nails. I tell you, there is nothing scarier than drawing blood on your own child. I distinctly remember calling my mother in tears, and going over everything that had happened, including my use of every disinfecting agent and ointment in the first aid kit. "Can I use a band aid on his finger? Will he eat it and choke?" I asked, frantic. It was at that moment that I realized I could never be a trauma nurse. I think, in terms of baby-care, it was my all-time low.

The good news is that babies have little or no long-term memory. So, as long as you can keep away from psychologically scarring abuse, you're good. So, abandonment is out --and No, that doesn't include letting him sit in his bouncy seat fussing for a few minutes so you can go into the bathroom by yourself. Come on.

4) Finally, I tell them that the best response to the almost soul-crushing frustration that a new mom feels is...

(drum roll, please...)

A good nap.

When you are well-rested, your perspective will magically return. It has worked for me and for countless thousands of other moms.

Which brings me to this: becoming a first time mom brings you into one of the toughest sisterhoods on the planet. All the logic and reasoning you learned to succeed on your own in the world will be turned on its head when you become a Mom. But the good news is: You are not alone! One of the best things I did as a first-time mom was to find a group of other moms. We met once a week, at each others' houses, under the pretense of a "playgroup". It was more of a "roll on the floor and drool group", but playgroup sounds better. That group helped me so much in ways I cannot even explain, but the greatest way was just getting rid of the isolation I felt.

I live in a new town now, but have found that the Sisterhood of Moms does, indeed, have a local chapter! We find ways to support each other, laugh together, cry together, and share our lives in the best times and the most difficult circumstances.

So, to my new mom friends, Welcome to the Sisterhood.

... will one of you babysit so I can go get my hair cut?


Midwest Mom

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